an open letter for tiger

What, expecting a Toradora reference instead?

Dear Tiger,

I have some advice for you. Okay, maybe that is not the most original thought. Everyone and their pet goldfish has advice for you. But mine’s different. Unlike everyone else’s advice where you have to grovel, kneel, and beg to be loved again, mine let’s you be you. And let you love being you.

Here’s my plan. Have you ever heard of an anime named “Gundam Seed Destiny” before? No? Perfect. Then let me be the Shinn Asuka memorial Devil’s Advocate. You need to embrace being a villain. Sure, you can try hard to rehabilitate your image, but why? You’re rich. You’re in the news. You’re adored by throngs of slutty blonde girls. You got it made. You don’t think Keitaro Urashima wouldn’t switch places with you in a cocaine heartbeat? Go be a villain. Embrace the role. Look at John Daly– the guy drinks, takes his kids to Hooters, and has anger management issues. And people love him, including you. You even put him lovingly in your video game.

The world has enough bad people trying to disguise themselves as “good” people. Half the characters in Gundam Seed Destiny pretend to be good, yet fester unspeakable evils, like this “Durandal” or this “Lacus.” Why do you need to pretend to be good when that is not what you want. You have no social obligation. Would you rather go on Oprah and beg forgiveness? Or continuing plowing through hawt blondes? You are plenty rich, and you can make more money. Divorce your wife. Leave her before she leaves you. And, just for the full effect, sic your lawyers on her. Try to find evidence that she cheated on you with the cabana boy. Just go for the throat. If you are going to embrace the villain role, embrace it fully. Much like how Sunrise has fully given up on making well-written anime.

And then just continue your master plan to bang as many skanky blondes as you can. Forget Jack Nicklaus and Arnold Palmer. Your new role models are Wilt Chamberlain and Bill Clinton. Hold a press conference and surround yourself with other known sexaholics like David Duchovny, Matthew McConaughey, Charlie Sheen, and the cast of Sora no Otoshimono and then announce, “Tiger is ready to play to field.” Make people hate you. But people will love you. At least they’ll love to hate you. And you’ll love that. You’ll feed off that. Doesn’t this sound a lot better than being a good father, raising your kids properly, making charity appearances, and not banging random STD-ladden hookers? At the very least, being a villain means you can walk out with your head held high.

You know how an “Arnold Palmer” is half-lemonade and half-iced tea? And that a “John Daly” is that with a shot of vodka? Well, your goal is to have a mixed drink named after you, but it is a lemonade-iced tea-vodka combo with a tablet of Viagra dropped in. That is your goal. And you can do it, Tiger. Why? You’re the greatest skank-chasing golfer in the world. You are the Kira Yamato of skank-chasing golfers. There’s no celebrity (outside of maybe Berlusconi) who could amass the same volume of skanks that you can. You don’t want the Lacus of the world. You want the Meer. And you’ll get plenty more once you embrace being the villain. Forget what others tell you: that’s a badge of honor. At least to everyone who buys $300 pairs of limited edition Nike shoes as if they were limited edition anatomically correct Meer dolls. You’ll love being the villain. Remember, the villain gets the girls.

See, you cannot hide the fact that you’re nodding your head with me right now. You want this for you. You do not want to sit at home with an “I can’t believe I got caught whoring” face with an unhappy wife whose not going to put out anymore. You want to be out there clubbing and living it up. And guess what. You’re going to make golf fun. Again.

You’re going to show up at golf tournaments and encourage the gallery to cheer. You’re going to encourage them to boo. You’re going to encourage them to make some noise. You’ve seen Happy Gilmore? Yeah, that’s it. You can even punch out Drew Carey if you want. Be the villain. Embrace the role. There’s nothing like that patented Tiger fist pump with the crowd cheering, your vanquished opponents cursing the loud crowd, and a hotel full of fake boobs, condoms, and Viagra for you to return to. Sure, Sunrise could have make a real plot for Gundam Seed Destiny, but it was a lot more fun and memorable being a complete train wreck. Not everything was meant to be uppity up. Sometimes, you gotta go against the grain and common sense to find your true self. Gundam Seed Destiny did this, and instead of being an anime forgotten five years later, it is still remembered fondly. Do not go gently into the good night.

Do it, Tiger. Be the villain. Embrace the role.


(Author’s note: I wrote this post two days ago, just couldn’t find a halfway decent Meer picture. You’d think it would be easier. But almost all the ones I found, I can’t post. Sigh.)

25 Responses to “an open letter for tiger”

  1. The only thing I’m wondering after reading the whole text (and a very nice text I might add) is “Is that skirt falling or is it supposed to be that low? Ultra-low rise skirt?

    Either way, I like.

  2. This is the best advice column ever. I read the same “master plan” you linked and something about it bothered me. Maybe I’m just sick of all the advice givers, telling us to beg and grovel and work our butts off so that other more aggressive people can step on us at their leisure and rob us blind. To hell with that. Evil isn’t something thrust upon us by accident, evil is a choice.

    By the way, is it legal to wear a mask on the course? Can you imagine the uproar if he did that? I think he could pull it off too.

  3. When they make a Tiger mixed drink, I will order a Blond Russian chaser with it and think of you. Prost!

  4. At first, I was repulsed. But then I started thinking globally; just think about how easy life would be if every wrongdoer acted like a stereotypical villain. “Uh-oh… that guy just burst out laughing. Time to call the cops.” And C-SPAN would become the highest-rating station ever.

  5. See, I think this is genius.

    LOTS of people have known that Tiger is a bad guy for quite some time. He throws hissy fits at journalists and fans alike, and has done for a long time. But for some reason, he continues with this facade of being some sort of good guy. Sport is far too full of good guys these days. Everybody is too scared to be the bad guy for fear of losing sponsorship. But Tiger, you’re loaded. Fuck the sponsors. Go out and bang some hookers, shit, hire one to be your caddy and wear a string bikini while she does it. Housewives will curse your name (but they don’t play golf, so who cares?), but every single man on the planet will think you’re awesome and will silently salute you. And you will have fun doing it. Not to mention what you can do with your new image. Tiger branded pantsu, condoms, whatever. You’ll make a fortune.

    Be the bad guy. You can make the change.

    I’m Barack Obama, and I support this message.

  6. A text on golf and skanks and Gundam. And it made sense. I never thought I’d see the day.

  7. I feel enlightened after reading this.

  8. While I’m pissed at what Gundam Seed Destiny did to poor Cagalli… I will admit that Meer is one fine piece of ass.

    Does she shave? I’m seeing a little side-crotch there…

  9. That’s the best Skanky Lacus picture ever.

  10. Well, “Meer as Lacus” picture that is.

  11. Reportedly Tiger and his wife are taking some “alone time” on his yacht to work things out. I’m pretty sure we’re headed for a Nice Boat ending. School Days might actually be a better anime comparison for the situation anyway, although Tiger seems to have put up better numbers than Makoto.

  12. The real question I was wondering about before Tiger caught a beating of his life outside of the golf field. Is how the hell did Meer keep her skirt from falling down? I mean you can practically see her crotch which by the way, she must have shave before and of after ever concert she performed.

  13. Is that Zero’s cloak she wears for a skirt? Or, seeing that it is the older series, is Zero using her skirt for a cloak?

  14. Huh, I had to dig around in the page source code to get that picture. For some reason, it seems to be right-click protected.

  15. why isn’t he on a writing team yet?

  16. Upon further inspection… is it me or is she lacking a bit in the butt department?

  17. Oh, and Tiger should switch between good-guy, bad-guy personalities by wearing shades or not!!
    Oh how that would sell!
    “Tiger’s been wearing shades all week in Vegas, did he do them all?” or “Tiger didn’t wear shades at all in the holiday period, he must be a good man at heart…. or is it a facade?” or “Uh oh, he’s playing the Masters’ course with his shades! Is bad Tiger better than good Tiger?”

  18. Click the “Source Image” link if you want the original image. And you do. Trust me. ;)

  19. I think there’s a slight issue with WordPress and Firefox, because in Internet Explorer, the “Right-click > Save Picture As…” function still works fine.
    – – –
    BTW, the image posted here is NOT the “original image”, as the top and bottom are cropped. THIS is the real original image
    It includes the name of the illustrator, not that anyone cares about unimportant stuff like that, right?

  20. Again, that’s why there’s an “Source Image” link… and if you bothered to click it, you’ll find the uncropped version. Sigh. People are too quick to complain these days.

  21. jason: That’s because people are morons, and the number (and sheer stupidity) is increasing on a daily basis.

  22. @Jason: Are you talking about this “Source Image” link?
    I did click it, and I got this.
    It’s the same cropped image, except now it’s inside a little window and the background has been dimmed. The original image is supposed to have the GSD logo on the upper left corner, and the illustrator’s name on the lower left corner.
    – – –
    So either I missed some other “Source Image” link, in which case Haesslich’s comment is directed at me, so my bad, or you forgot to code the link so that it led to the actual original uncropped image, in which case you can have your magic beans back, and Haesslich’s comment is directed at himself.

  23. I did not expect the Gundam Seed analogy with the whole Tiger Woods thing.

    I also didn’t expect it to work either.

  24. Looks like he did not listen to you…

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