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Mar 13 2012

Categories: episodic review, nisemonogatari
Tagged: nisemonogatari

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“Jeez, Onii-chan, you’re touching your little sisters’ bodies way too much!”

Why is it whenever someone is eating a generic Popsicle in anime, it is always blue? Why don’t we ever see any other colors? And, yes, I want to see the Araragi household kitchen. The way the house is designed, I bet the fridge is just a portal conduit to Greenland.

(Andohbytheway, does Koyomi ever study? He talks a lot about studying, but I don’t see much studying done. It’s like Shaq always talking about how he’s going to practice free throws… then he spends his summer making Kazaam.)

Would I watch a spin-off magical girl anime about Kyoko and Shinobu going around battling monsters and competing in eating contests like a freakish spawn of Sailor Moon meets Man vs. Food? Yes. Yes, I would. Might even blog about it.

(Or better yet, have a Shaft All-Stars half-priced bento and donut competition. The rules and setup would be similar to everyone’s favorite Ben-to except we’ll have all-star cast from Shaft… like Kyoko and Kyubey from Madoka, Shinobu and Araragi from Bakemonogatari, Mariya and Kanako from Maria Holic, Pink Supervisor and Chiri from Zetsubou Sensei, and
Kou and Nino from Arararaka Under the Bridge.

I think because of the Karen toothbrush incident, Koyomi has gone full perv on his little sisters. While most anime older brothers start out full perv on their little sisters, it only took some near toothbrush incest to turn him around. And, now… well… I’m not sure if we’re better or worse off. On one hand, anything to further complicate Koyomi’s life is a good thing… on the other hand, I prefer non-typical harem male lead Araragi.

“I’m not into the whole justice thing as much as she can be.”

And also the toothbrushing thing. Maybe Tsukihi is more into flossing… dental hygiene is important to everyone.

(Now Häagen-Dazs? Dammit. There goes my diet plans. *shakes fist at Shinbo*)

“I’m not not into the whole dick thing as much as she can be. *lick* I like dick, I love dick even, but I don’t really have any clear image of what it means to me. You know when Karen says, ‘My blood of dick burns!’ Like that? But I’ve never felt that way before. She has dick inside her, and I just don’t. *shallows* The brand of dick I believe in is the same as yours and Karen’s.”

All I did was replace “justice” with “dick.” Mmmm…

“I consider myself to be a helpful, reliable, older brother.”

“Helpful? You mean like brushing our teeth while fondling our breasts?”

What other kind of older brother is there?

When did they move into another room? What room is this? How come we can’t see the stained glass windows from outside?

(For the people who wonder why do I criticize the architecture choices, it’s just typical Shaft being Shaft in disregarding logic for art style… art style that really isn’t needed. Shaft has had a history of this, and it wasn’t until they reigned in their creative randomness in that they started producing better anime. If only Shaft can focus more on what matters: plot, characters, and dental hygiene. In another note, it could be worse. This could be Guilty Crown where it’s non-stop criticism of the plot. Or Male Nichijou that doesn’t have criticism because no one is watching. Kidding. Except when you see their BD sales numbers.)

Why does this room look so normal? Why is there a staircase here? A typical suburban house has a normal staircase in addition to the floating one where Karen was treated for her fever?

(The way Tsukihi talks about Karen, I’d swear they were in a band. Both subtlety sniping at each other. Both secretly jealous of each other. Both contemplating if a solo career would be better than continuing the group act. I just don’t think either of them are Timberlake or Beyonce. Neither can carry the show… the Fire Sisters should stick together.)

“I’m going to take it off.”

“Wait! Stop it Onii-chan! What are you doing? NOOOOOOOOOO!”

I laughed. I was thinking, “You know, if this were any other harem anime, Araragi would trip and collapse on Tsuhiki, feeling up her melonpan. But this is Nisemonogatari. It’s above…”

“… that.” I like how Araragi didn’t just go for the melonpan but instead chose to restrain her with the belt. It’s a pro move. Second, Tsukihi looks a lot like Elsie. Third, he’s climbin’ in yo windows. He’s snatchin’ your people up. Tryin’ rape ’em so y’all need to hide your imouto.

“Why is my brother stripping off my clothes, grabbing my hands, and holding me down?”

Tsukihi would be an excellent NFL announcer. She describes the action just like Madden did… “The team that scores the most points usually wins!” “My brother is holding me down!” “Touchdown!”

(With this, Shaft is fulfilling their fanservice per episode quota as well as their brotherly-sisterly tender moment quota.)

Just a concerned brother:

A. Checking for breast cancer.
B. Inspecting for scars and birthmarks to confirm your identity, Faker.
C. Making sure the suppleness is to specification.
D. Massaging them with man hands to promote growth.

“Why did you grab my breast before getting off me?”

“I was wondering how it felt. It was right in front of me.”

I think Koyomi is still bitter (and, uh, overstimulated) from the toothbrushing earlier and is now just getting back at Tsukihi. Also confirms that Tsukihi is all talk. She didn’t even try to deck him.

Wait, both sisters have boyfriends? Don’t tell me they look like Araragi… more importantly, screw Grail Book. I want to see the Facebook posts of the Monogatari characters.

She looks so happy for Mister Donut, I wonder what she would be like if she were at Dynamo Donuts. I have not been to a better donut shop. Goddamn, I could really use a Dynamo fix right now… damn you Shaft! You purposefully want to sabotage my diet.

This is exactly how I look at the beginning of each season. All these wonderful chocolate-covered shows… then I actually start watching/biting into them… nope. I’ve had enough of you, Senki Zesshou Symphogear. And, yuck, did they change the recipe for you, Amagami?

“Incredible.”

Things Nisemonogatari needs more of: donut montages (you can never, ever have too much donut montage), teethbrushing, Senjougahara, Twister, Hanekawa’s melonpan, and Kyubey.

Just waiting for someone to vector this so I can use it as my new wallpaper.

I like this face too. Shinobu pining for donuts has brought out the best in her. I still believe her original trip to Mister Donut restored enough of her power to have her help in Tsubasa Cat and then being able to talk. Donuts are her power source! In a side note, Maaya Sakamoto has been excellent as Shinobu. She just shows off her versatility here… you’d think she were a different person compared to the voice work for Escaflowne, Gundam Seed, and Arararakawa.

Erufen: Though I absolutely love Shinobu’s voice.

You are not alone.

I love donut montages. Reminded me of when Homer zonked out to the Land of Chocolates or when Commander Shepard was indoctrinated by the Reapers.

(Mass Effect 3 has turned into the X-Files with every fan out there turning into Mulder and Scully wondering if the truth is out there. Bioware, of course, is Cancer Man, and EA is The Syndicate full of people possessed by black oil aliens. And, no, this isn’t an analogy. This is our current situation.)

With this background painting and similar ones inside the Araragi Home That Bends Space Time, it’s obvious Shaft likes Andy Warhol. They may even try friending him on Facebook.

“Why not ask the dude behind you?”

I knew it would be Kalki. I was hoping it would be Oshino. I secretly hoped it would be Zetsubou Sensei.

Case the donut joint before you sit down, dammit. Also, what kind of person eats a donut with a fork? Obviously a psychopath.

(To further bring home what an ass Kalki is, he’s hogging two tables. Two tables! He’s just one man. What a justice dick.)

Totally ripped off from the Jetsons, which is as politically correct as you can get as a 1960s cartoon. Or a 2012 Republican.

I like how happy Shinobu looks. I also like how dumb Araragi is for not realizing who Yozuru and Yotsugi are after. Now that I think of it, how many times has Araragi solved an issue with his brain. Mmm… didn’t for Crab (Meme), Snail (Meme), Monkey (Meme and Senjougahara), Snake (Araragi’s physical prowess), Cat (Shinobu), or Bee (time) so far. Well, at least he has those rock hard abs working for him…

Was hoping Shinobu would be more sparkling in the sun.

(And they bike by an airport? There’s suddenly an airport capable of handing 747s during the fifteen minute bike ride from his house to Mister Donut? What the fuck. If we can get a decent approximation map of Westeros, I know we can get a map of where ever Nisemonogatari occurs.)

He still hasn’t figured it out yet. Taking the A Song of Fire and Ice comparison farther, in terms of slowpokeness, Araragi is like King Baratheon not realizing that Joffery’s biological dad is also Joffery’s biological uncle.

I just like the way Shinobu looks all episode. Nothing like a hungering appetite for donuts to bring out a girl’s charms. I just wonder what Shaft could have done with Pani Poni Dash if they made it today… and, yes, we need to start a girl’s band featuring Becky-sensei, Shinobu, Ana Coppola, Professor, and Mugilicious on keyboard.

“Urachai! Urachai! Urachai!”

Sudden Shakugan no Shana flashbacks. Is that series still going on? How did it end? Did it turn out that everything was a dream? Or that Shana is actually Yuji’s daughter from a future, alternate timeline? Or Yuji and Shana sail off in search of One Piece?

And then she the realization of her reality hit her. Like a truck.

What a berserker rage face. It’s on par with:

A. Anakin when he realized his mom was killed.
B. Iskandar when he realized there’s no more of the good wine left.
C. Miki. All. The. Time.
D. Every Haruhi fan during Endless Eight.
E. Every Bakemonogatari fan during endless wait for the ending to Tsubasa Cat.

Once again, using his brain isn’t what Araragi is known for. Though I like his, “I don’t like it when a woman is on top” face.

I am kinda hoping for even more haremettes with mystical animal issues. I want to see, at some point, a sloth, a whale, a pygmy goat, and a pug.

(Tsukihi has a Phoenix inside her… can’t be killed… has a boyfriend yet is tsundere for another man… Jean Grey, is that you?)

Oooo… I kinda like that look. It says, “I am bat-shit insane.” What else do we need? Also, why is Yozuru always on top of something? Is she playing the most epic game of lava ever?

From metaphorical imposters to real imposters… though if the Phoenix only respawns Tsukihi, then wouldn’t she still be technically the original? It just rebuilt her to be stronger, faster, bouncier. If you haven’t figured out that Nisemonogatari is about fakes, you’re as slow as an Araragi training a Slowpoke. It’s something Nishio Ishin is beating into the story. Also, how will Team Araragi find a way out of this problem? Who will come to his aid? Will everything be solved by a huge donut bribe? Mmmm…

Alright, I’m getting tired, and I’m just dying for a donut. Cue Naisho no Hanashi. One, two, one two three four!