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Jun 22 2015

Categories: general review
Tagged: fate/stay-night

5 Comments »

I have seen a man die, come back to life, and part the great sea of curses like if Jesus gattai’ed with Moses. I now know the difference between fakes and authentics, and the difference is definitely not build quality. I witnessed a man stabbed in the heart stab another man in the heart. I understand now the difference between believing in your own dream, latching onto the dreams of others, having no dream, having a false dream, having a seemingly false dream, confusing a dream with an ideal, forcing a dream, waking from a wet dream, and believing in a dream for all the wrong reasons– the same all the wrong reasons why The Bachelor never works out. I also understand that if I didn’t understand all of that, Archer would happily spend another three episodes explaining it me.

I now know that the Archer class uses bows. I thought Archers fought with arches much like how Assassins fight like ass. I have learned that time has no meaning to a magical anus that hovers in the sky spewing blood. I lamented Sakura’s lack of existence in the show– maybe she’s in a rowboat with Gendry. I shake my head at how bad this Rider is at beer pong. I have seen the King of Heroes stoop to dialogue so poorly written, not even Slaine Troyard would speak it nor would Rob Liefield write it. I am the bone of my sword. I wish I didn’t just picture goatse as the Holy Grail– poor Indy had to drink out of it to save his dad. I now know Kirei enjoyed himself at the EDM festival in Vegas where he totally didn’t hook up with a 19 year old from Brazil despite Instagrams to the contrary.

I have seen a future where ufotable loses more ground to Kyoto in respect to drawing clouds and animating tears. I find Berserker desperately trying to protect Ilya about ten times more powerful and moving if we swapped Berserker with Takeo and Ilya with Yamato… YAMATO! Are you okay? And are those cakes? Suna, come here and be the awkward third wheel! I want to see more Rin zettai ryouiki and less frumpy undershirt Rin.

I now know that naming any character “Shinji” is a dead end. Poor Shinji Stark. I wonder if “King of Heroes” or “Hero of Kings” is a better name for my upcoming mobile game knockoff of Clash of Clans. I counted “unlimited,” and it turns out to number in the low hundreds. I predict Bell-kun and Belldandy-sama to be added to the next pool of servants. I have seen a teacher beat up a student. I have seen another teacher beat up the same student. I can’t wait for the spin-off series where all the heroines form a kpop group. I originally planned on writing a post featuring stats and charts called “Sabermetrics” but realized all the numbers are made up and aren’t real. I might know the smell Rin smelled when she was trapped in the cursed tumor: it is the same smell that one smells while waiting in line for the Fate Stay Night premiere at Anime Expo.

I want to believe in a Fate Stay Night BD set for North America to cost less than a condo near Dolores Park. I now know Caster’s true identity: Taylor Swift. I have seen white spheres with tails fly into a gaping maw dripping blood, and it was totally not gay pr0n. I saw a Kiritsugu counting his remaining days instead of the one counting how many bullets and grenades he has left. I totally believe Berserker lifts and doesn’t skip leg day. I have seen history’s greatest knight act like topiary as she watched a highschool boy battle himself while a highschool girl was being molested. I now know that I like the idea of a noble phantasm called, “deus ex machina,” just to be clear upfront with all the bullshit. I just realized “deus ex machina” got autocorrected to “desu ex machina”. I would like to see a drama where the King of Heroes and Kanzaki Shizuku race to identify twelve wines. I have seen how Ilya might have daddy issues. I now know that being Lancer is suffering. But not as much as being a Detroit Lions fan.

I now know “Reality Marble” means “our 3D artist interns made this.” I have noticed the lack of vampires, zombies, and velociraptors. I have created over a thousand blades. I wait for the day Servants use their ultimates to initiate rather than mop up. I have seen all the effort ufotable put into making each episode safe for people with epilepsy. I wished to see Lancer’s face when he realized Kirei summoned him; I wonder more or less disappointed when Ash got Pikachu (at first) after Gary got the awesome Squirtle. I have previously seen Saber in a suit, and I think that’s her most stylish outfit. I see a story writer desperately trying to tell a story but unable to articulate what he means so he resorts to three episodes of Archer pontificating. I see all that scheming and command seal hoarding by Kirei ends up being as useful as a team up between Relena Peacecraft and Marina Ismail.

I am not sure if my Nendroid of Saber is authentic or fake. I believe Emiya could have saved more people (or cause less curses to spill out at the very least) if his time management skills were better. Maybe we should gift him a Franklin’s Quest planner and accompanying seminar series for his birthday. I now know that Shinji is a horrible master… actually I lie. I knew that already. I realize magic is not to be done in a lab with white lab coats, bananas, and shoutings of “EL PSY CONGROO!” but instead by stabbing people with pointy daggers. I wonder if Waver has started his tenure at Hogwart’s yet. I have seen a school girl provide more mana than Stephen Curry. I now know Saber’s sword is Excalibur with stats of 120 attack, 99 accuracy, and 10 strength, making it the fourth strongest sword. Maybe Emiya should have made 99 copies of that– I know I did with a Game Genie.

I am still not sure to follow my ideals as my future self has not told me how empty my ideals are. I ate popcorn while watching the twenty-first episode. I now know that people die when they are killed. I have seen a movie where a guy fights a modern army with bows and arrows on horseback so maybe Guardian Emiya is plausible. I now know who the seven witches are. I predict Emiya and Rin to open a bed and breakfast and live out a quiet life involving scenic countrysides, barley tea, summer festivals, delicious home cooked meals, and hot tsundere sex. I have no regrets.

And so I pray– Unlimited Blade Works.