dear doctor anime…

After a rough week, I am beat. I’m handing off this post to Dr. Anime. If he does a good job, I’ll let him guest post again.

Dear Dr. Anime,

When I first saw Cheese-kun, I thought that it was adorable, and I just knew that I had to get this plushie. I thought, “Well, a pan pizza here and there wouldn’t hurt.” Next thing I knew, not only did I have Cheese-kun, but I have enough coupons for a whole baseball team’s worth, and I’m easily pushing 200 bills. My man won’t even look at me anymore, and I think he’s cheating on me with either that blonde or red-headed slut on the student council. What should I do? (Attached is a picture of me from before.)

Stuffed Crust in Area Eleven

Dear Stuffed Crust in Area Eleven,

I think it is time to pull out the Mean Girls playbook, you know, that movie Lindsay Lohan made before she became a raving drunk and druggie. In that movie, Lindsay fed her enemy a steady stream of “diet cookies” that weren’t really diet cookies but instead mounds of calories that fattened her nemesis up. To win back your man, you just need to bring enough diet cookies to make sure that those sluts in the student council hit 300 bills before you do. And, some good news: Dr. 90210 has a special this week where if you get your stomach stapled, you get a free one size breast augmentation. I highly recommend him. He does good work.

Dr. Anime

Dear Dr. Anime,

I currently work as a flight instructor in the military, and I have a crush on a fellow coworker. The only problem is that we’re both of the same gender, and I’m not sure if this person swings that way… there’s also another problem that the military has a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy as we’re sure to be found out if we do passionately consummate our love. I really love this person, but I’m not sure what to do. Recently, someone of the opposite gender who looks like a ferret has been hitting on my love. Dr. Anime, how can I make this love work?

Jet Zamber in Midchilda

Dear Jet Zamber in Midchilda,

It’s a shame that you are in this predicament, and if McCain were in office, your love would be given the freedom to bloom. Love is all about being aggressive. What you need is an aggressive game plan. Obviously, the biggest obstacle is your competition, and you must eliminate this person. Have you seen Basic Instinct? If you’re really serious, you’d try to seduce this competitor and stab this person with an ice pick at the right time. It’s all for love. Then, you can take your time wooing the person of your dreams. I would suggest a lot of alcohol and possibly some joints. In any case, set up a hidden camera and keep me abreast of the situation.

Dr. Anime

Dear Dr. Anime,

I’m so lost. I love this girl, and she loves me. Truly. Madly. Deeply. Only I’m from a noble family of robot samurai that is allied with the Galactic Organization of Trade and Tariffs where she is a space pirate/yakuza/mermaid and has a demon who sucks life energy as her pet. How can we get our families to understand our love?

JaMarcus in Neo Verona

Dear JaMarcus in Neo Verona,

You need to create some sort of fictional event that brings everyone together and show how your love can conquer all. I would suggest the Armageddon scenario where you arrange for an asteroid to crash into Neo Verona, but only your family’s skills coupled with her family’s spaceships can save the day. Basically, you need to be Ben, she needs to be Liv. The best part of this plan is to get her father to die a la Bruce. As long as that asteroid doesn’t wipe everyone out, it’s a win-win situation. Hell, Aerosmith isn’t doing anything these days… I’m sure they would even agree to come up with a wildly inappropriate love song for you lovebirds.

Dr. Anime

Dear Dr. Anime,

I have a great girlfriend. She and her family are a bit odd (vampires, you see), but she is a very nice girl and bakes some delicious melonpan, if you get my drift. Unfortunately, my mom has been on anti-depressants and has been really regressing lately. My girlfriend suggested that she uses her vampire powers to make my mom happy again, and we’ve tried it. It seems to work very well… but I’m ashamed that I get aroused seeing my girlfriend lick her luscious lips around my mom’s neck like that. I should probably add that my mom could definitely be in a MILF video. Am I abnormal?

Unsure in Japan

Dear Unsure in Japan,

You lucky son of a bitch. I hope you get herpes.

Dr. Anime

Dear Dr. Anime,

The owner of my team promised to build a winning franchise around me, and I end up with Kwame Brown as my starting center and Smush Parker as my starting point guard.

Betrayed in Los Angeles

Dear Betrayed in Los Angeles

Whoops. You must be looking for jason. I’ll pass along that message.

Dr. Anime

Dear Dr. Anime,

Help! I feel like I’m going crazy. I feel like I’m trapped in Groundhog’s Day where the same things keep repeating. I have horrible memories of being stabbed by a beautiful sexpot twin, tossed off of a bridge by a cute little girl, and ripping my own throat out in the most gruesome way possible. Am I going crazy? Please talk to me Dr. Anime…

Dead in Hinamizawa

Dear Dead in Hinamizawa,

Judging by the blood stains on this letter, I’m going to take this one very seriously. Do you watch Stargate SG-1? I’ll take it as a “no” since you gotta be super bored on Friday to watch SG-1. Plus, it runs against the infinitely superior Ghost Whisperer. Oh, my point? There was an episode of SG-1 where the team gets sent back in time and had to repeat the same events over and over and over and over again until they figured out which deus ex machina pulled them out of this loop. I would say if you’re going to die and keep dying many more times (starting in a few weeks!), you might as well have fun with it like what the SG-1 team did. Jack made out with Sam, for one. Let me toss you a few ideas: try to arrange a threesome with those sexpot twins or try to get your dad caught by Chris Hansen using that cute little girl as bait. If you’re going to go, might as well go all guns blazing.

Dr. Anime

If you have a question for Dr. Anime, please e-mail with “Dear Dr. Anime” as the subject heading.

18 Responses to “dear doctor anime…”

  1. You know, I was never a big fan of CC, but now…

  2. Dear Doctor Anime

    I am constantly controlled by a angry omnipotent girl, teased by a time traveling Senpai, observed by a silent and powerful alien, and sexually harassed by a male class mate. Yet some how I can maintain my sanity, Am i normal?

    – Lost in haurism

  3. funniest thing that I say today – go to amazon, search “when they cry” click on the top one, should be vol.1 w/box of higurashi – scroll down to product details and check the rating.



  4. Can someone help me out? I can’t figure out the references to half of these…

  5. Dear Doctor Anime

    My purple-haired tsundere potential lesbian girl friend and I got into an argument on the proper role of a monarch government, it’s inanity enough to make even Marie Antoinette blush. Now we are in an all too typical angsty teenage no talk relationship. The problem is that while having that argument, I was fighting a super-evil cannon fodder class monster and couldn’t save her from being sucked into a dimensional space time warp that teleported away an entire mountain, which predictably and inevitably is going part of an evil plot to take over/destroy the world/universe. Even though she is the queen of my country, I am having extreme doubts in attempting to investigate more into this dimensional warp and try to locate her position because I’m afraid she won’t talk to me.

    I do not know what to do. Even though I won’t ever be able to my predecessor’s hawtness because of my pedobait tendencies earlier, I have developed decent baggage since the start of the animation quality upgrade. Will you please take advantage of me and take my virginity during my period of infantile inner conflict and confusion?

    – Battle Virgin

  6. P.S. I didn’t email you because I’m too lazy.

  7. In order of writing,

    ..) Code Geass
    ..) MSLN StrikerS
    ..) Romeo & Juliet
    ..) Karin
    ..) Obscure American sports reference
    ..) Higurashi


  8. Code Geass, I dunno, Romeo x Juliet, Karin, LA Lakers I guess and Higurashi.

    Can’t help you on the 2nd one, Kikimaru.

  9. The Romeo x Juliet one is also Seto no Hanayome, Kiddy Grade and possibly Samurai 7.

  10. Dear Doctor Anime

    Will there ever be a season 2 to Berserk?

  11. Dear Doctor Anime

    Where are my freaking subs?


  12. Dear dr. drew,

    My father is monarch of >75% of the world and i have issues because he never spent time with me or cared about the fact that my mother died. He just went right back to one of his other woman. To handle the depression this has caused my docter prescribed prozac and i have noticed that ever since i have no sexdrive at all. I’m surrounded by hot chicks, but i don’t feel interested in them at all.

    Drew: Well prozac will do that, try talking to your docter about switching medication.
    Adam: Till that time try not to give the whole world the impression that you’re gay.

  13. Dear Dr. Anime,

    Now that a new Non-CE gundam series has been announced, what do you think Sunrise plans for the future are concerning Super Kira, Empress Lacus and Angry Shinn?

  14. The fifth letter to Dr. Anime was referring to Kobe Bryant specifically.. XD

  15. Someone needs to photoshop the Major onto some Ghost Whisperer promo art.

  16. Fapulous! Hirez plz.

  17. More! More of these I say!

    Along with jason’s posts on episodes with the random sports references.

  18. Dear Dr. Anime,

    I’m stuck in a strange situation. I was made the ruler of this country recently, and now a bunch of people keeps flocking to me. There’s these orphan girls, the older whom I think has a crush on me and the younger keeps a pet tiger, an ambiguously gay swordsman who keeps calling me bro and has two ambiguously-gendered archer sidekicks, a butch drunkard swordswoman with odd lesbian vibes (or is it just me?) towards this saumrai girl who exhibits flashes of tsundere behaviour, these two swan-winged girls and a bevy of others in secondary cast to tick off the list of archetype characters.

    Oh, and I have this mask I can’t remove and we keep getting allusions towards a scifi plot device. What should I do to get out of this situation?

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