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Jul 19 2009

Categories: bakemonogatari, episodic review
Tagged: monogatari

36 Comments »

“I’m just not good at wearing clothes.”

So how do you follow up the epic introduction of Staples’ new poster girl? Why… have her start off the next episode with skin, skin, and more skin with an occasional nipple. I think this episode post is going to take me longer than usual to write. Not necessarily a bad thing.

Speaking of bad things, though, is it a bad thing that I’m thinking that Hitagi’s appeal overcomes her craziness? Or that her craziness is part of her appeal? Or that it just might be worth the risk of getting one’s Johnny stapled?

Bah, Shaft had a chance to hit a grand slam with the OP, but instead they use the same aesthetics that Negima and Maria+Holic uses. As a purely musical endeavor, I do enjoy Staple Stable, but I still think My Love Is a Stapler is– bar none– the greatest possible song for Hitagi. Especially if Hitagi is wearing a Dunder Mifflin baseball cap with a long ponytail hanging out from it while singing how her love is like a stapler.

“Before I knew it, the staple you used to bind your words pierced my heart.”

Forget Yui, I want Hitagi to sing lead vocals for Afternoon Tea Time. Calligraphy and Ballpoint Pen… My Love Is a Stapler… those songs are as much in Hitagi’s wheelhouse as Ghostory is in Shaft’s. We just need to get her a guitar.

A thousand bucks? I’m sure Hitagi goes through that amount every month for staples alone. The interesting thing is that it’s revealed that the class president has some issues as well. But I’m a bit disappointed we didn’t go back to the earlier shower scene.

“Of course, I’ll pay it. Of course, I’ll pay it.”

Palatable tension, but I can’t help but think there’s more to those words as she revealed earlier that her family is poor now that the mom gave the money away and the dad left. Thing about this show is that there’s no wasted lines. Everything has a purpose. I just wish I could write the same things about Haruhi Suzumiya and Umineko.

A… ho… ge!

After seeing Koyomi’s reaction to Hitagi after Hitagi leaves the shower… let’s just say that there was cheering going on in my living room. You just know something good is going to happen.

“Please move, or I can’t put on my clothes.”

I was delighted already that Hitagi was a murderous yandere who is a valued customer at Staples, but I’m even more delighted that she’s an exhibitionist murderous yandere cocktease who is a valued customer at Staples. There’s just not enough of them in anime.

(She has wonderful skin. But it’s only part of her charm.)

(I would enjoy this scene more except Koyomi is protesting her nakkidness like an idiot. And when he screams, he reverts back to the Zetsubou voice. “I’m in despair! There’s a crazy nakkid woman in the room!” Reminds me of Welkin from an earlier Valkyria episode.)

Remember when I wrote for Kyou’s OVA that…

By the way, this post is pushing 4,000 words and 70 screenshots. I am literally cramping up from the typing; I can only imagine how you feel reading it. (Then again, like you had anything better to do today on July 4th.) I just hope blood isn’t flowing from your eyes at this point. I guess my point is… the only post that I can see myself typing to top this one will be for a Mio fanservice OVA.

The way this episode has been going, let’s just say that I won’t be shocked if that post gets topped.

Only poor people use towels to cover themselves? Um, isn’t she poor now? And isn’t it rude for Koyomi to not stare? Is it only in anime where a hawt woman would come out of a shower nakkid, and a guy will be as terrified as Michael Jackson was on his (first) wedding night?

(One thing I notice with the MJ coverage is that, basically, for the last 15 years, he’s been regarded as a freak. If people were nice, they made jokes about his race, not that his Black and White video helped, and, if people were meaner, they cracked jokes about how he enjoys sleepovers with monkeys and little boys. At no point did I ever hear MJ discussed in terms of music. Now, after he died, it’s pretty much all about his music. I guess people always wanted to forgive him and move on and enjoy his music again, but it wasn’t until his passing that they finally got that opportunity.)

So Hitagi is nakkid, taking her sweet time in getting dressed, and she’s forming her hair into a ponytail. Can we cue some dramatic music?

(I’ll forgive the Shaft being Shaft newspaper and movie set-ish makeup of the scene because of the fanservice. I’m easy that way. But it’s definitely a Shaft being Shaft moment.)

That’s a nice “this is the first time I’ve seen a girl nakkid” face. Can someone put together a YouTube montage of this particular face in anime? Starring Koyomi, Keitaro, Keiichi, et al. You could even do it like those “NBA… where amazing happens” ads where you show the face and then flash “Anime… where being afraid of hawt nubile haremettes happens.” Of course, you have to end it with a shot of Haruka in mid-undress.

(Wonder what’s going through Koyomi’s mind… this girl just stapled his mouth like three hours ago.)

Mikuru-who?

“Do you think white would be good?”

Mio-who?

I’m floored. Just when I thought Hitagi couldn’t be more awesome, just when I thought that we’ve maxed out on fanservice this episode, we got Hitagi further teasing Koyomi (and us) that she only has stationary-patterned underwear. I’ve been watching so much K-On!, Eden of the East, and Haruhi lately that I’ve forgotten what real fanservice is like. Thank you Shaft. Thank you. Thank you for not skimping on this.

“Don’t tell me that you had dirty thoughts after seeing me nakkid?”

If you mean “dirty” as in “involving barnacles,” then guilty as charged. Also, just seconds after I praise Shaft, they go from a dressing up scene dripping with fanservice to a close up of Koyomi’s nose hairs.

I enjoyed the camera zooming in and out of Hitagi’s body. Andohbytheway, it’s really, really hard to write a post when there’s no blood left in my brain.

Can we get Google to work on a 3D Google Earth views of anime haremettes? I feel like this is an unexplored search category. Like what I wanted to know the exact positioning of Mikuru’s mole in 3D?

So she’s angry that Koyomi isn’t more appreciative of the fanservice… mmm… I appreciate it! Greatly! Doesn’t that count for something?

(Okay, let’s say you were at a bar or a party, and things are going well with a girl. Let’s say that she invites you back to her place, and things get interesting… until you realize that she’s wearing a bra that has scissors, staplers, and sharp, pointy pencils as imprints. What do you do? I think if you asked me this a week ago, my answer would be to jump out of a window and run like Forrest Gump. Now? I would probably be thinking things like, “Mmm… if she staples my Johnny, what would be the nearest hospital?”)

Hitagi is visibly pissed that Koyomi isn’t eying her with the same intensity that Mugi eyes Mio and Ritsu. Hitagi then gets pissed when Koyomi compliments her on her body. I’m just wondering if we need a Bat Shit Insane Pantheon to go along with the Meido Pantheon.

“This is why you’re going to be a virgin for the rest of your life. Could you not spit while you talk? Virginity is contagious.”

Hitagi is almost like a vocal Meiru crossed with Haruhi Suzumiya with a dash of Sonozaki. In a related note, I used to think that pizzas were delicious. And I used to think that meatballs were delicious. And then I discovered some good meatball pizzas… and… well, it’s hard going back to straight pepperoni now. The bar has been raised.

“How can male virginity be transmitted to a female?”

Apparently, Koyomi doesn’t watch a lot of Minami-ke.

(Speaking of which, Minami-ke posts will resume… like in fall or something.)

“Could you not spit while you talk? STDs from hookers are contagious.”

Best. Episode. Ever.

In my defense, I haven’t had posted a lot of fanservice shots in a long, long time. I have, however, posted a lot of screenshots containing nakkid male NEETs with dangling Johnnies. So maybe another 15,513 pinup shots of Hitagi, and we’ll be even.

The more Hitagi is jealous of Hanekawa, the greater the chance of a Yuki and Asakura-type of cat fight. I just hope that when this happens, Shaft does the ripping of clothes justice. Though I’m sure most of the traditional male audience is not focusing on that but rather how her stationary imprints dash in and out of view.

(Quick thought: if it’s revealed that Hitagi has a Johnny, would this be the greatest upset ever? Like would it surpass David vs. Goliath? USA over USSR at Lake Placid? Like Kanako finding out about Mariya’s Johnny, only multiplied by 15,513? Though based on Koyomi’s reaction, I think we’re safe with Hitagi.)

Shaft loves to draw building cross-sections as much as I love blogging about K-On!. Though I’m just happy we don’t see Mesousa trapped underneath or something.

The, uh, “dialogue” in Bakemonogatari is fantastic. Do I give points to Shaft for the fanservice, or do take away points because it’s hard to focus on the dialogue because of the fanservice?

ZOMG! She puts clothes on! I feel like an era has ended, much like seeing Clannad end or Michael Jackson die or McDonald’s stop selling the McDLT. Whatever happens, we still have the previous six minutes.

(On second thought, the era doesn’t really end until she puts pants on. Whew.)

Just out of curiosity, how long did it take you to get dressed this morning? We’re almost four minutes into her changing sequence, and Hitagi’s still pants-less. Is she just really inefficient? Or just really efficient at being a tease? Or both?

What is Koyomi staring at?

(So much camera movement… I wonder if Shaft started making pr0n, would it be trippy and weird and uncomfortable and feature lots of Mesousa and, when it’s over, would the viewer feel really conflicted?)

“You just put it on. Why are you taking it off?”

Hitagi dressing herself is lasting longer than most Japanese Prime Ministers. *rimshot* Koyomi needs to stop complaining and just enjoy the situation he’s in… sure, she could be stabbing him with a fountain pen at any time, but I think the craziness is worth the risk.

“The consequences will be severe if you cross me.”

My translation: if you look at Hanekawa again, I’ll be stapling your Johnny.

(The newspapers reflecting what is being talked about, like now with the shampoo and drying hair, is a mild Shaft being Shaft moment. But still Shaft being Shaft.)

Doesn’t she weigh less than Nicole Ritchie? Wouldn’t she get blown away by the hair blower? And when do we get to see her loading up on her cachet of office supplies?

The most attractive hairstyle for Hitagi would be a ponytail. I think I still prefer the wearing the hair up with the front bangs hanging down (a la Mio sometimes), but Hitagi doesn’t have long hair on the sides or front for it.

(I like this idea of imprints on underwear for crazy characters… can we get guitar imprints for Yui? Gold bars for Beatrice? Nail clippers for the Sonozakis? Cars for Yukari-sensei? Pink frilly flowers for Mako-cakes?)

“I am surprised you would know such worthless things. It’s the first time that I’ve been impressed with you since I met you.”

Did I mention I’m enjoying Hitagi’s verbal abuse? If Mikuru’s meek moe is one end of the spectrum, then Hitagi is on the opposite. Can you imagine her hurling insults at you while you’re tied up like the Pig of Capitalism and she’s decked out in skimpy leather and cracking a whip?

(Need a safe work. Remember that… need a safe word.)

“This is just verbal abuse! And you’re just showing off that hawt bod of yours!”

Ladies and Gentlemen… Captain Obvious!

“I’m just not good at wearing clothes.”

Damn. Excellent line. You know how during the NBA draft, ESPN would flash things like “Strengths: Rebounding” and “Weaknesses: Poor pick and roll defender”. Would “not being good at wearing clothes” be a strength or a weakness or both? And why can’t Mio have this weakness? Dumb barnacles.

All those clothes… they just look so heavy… why even bother?

“You could say that it’s a miracle that a creature like yourself has a brain under that skull.”

I gotta hurry this along. At the rate I’m writing this post, K-On! Encore might actually have aired. Or at least Endless Eight would have concluded… nah, it won’t take that long to finish writing this post.

“But it’s because of me that Araragi-kun discovered how crappy his brain is.”

You know, I think I might take my time. How often do I get to blog about a well-written verbal abuse dialogue while a yandere takes forever to dress. Well, not forever, but it’s definitely feels longer than Octomom’s fifteen minutes of fame.

(And it’s because of you that my keyboard’s backspace key just snapped off of my keyboard. Great. Has anyone tried writing a five thousand word anime blog post using only an iPhone before?)

Wait, there’s other shows airing this season? Don’t need them.

Like two thousand words and fifty screenshots later, Hitagi finally has clothes on. She also mentions that if she gets her weight back, she’ll go to Hokkaido to eat crabs– didn’t Chiaki already do this in Nodame after he “conquers” his fear of flying?

(Ponytail!)

I feel like I’ve seen this scene before… 15,521 times…

I dunno. I liked this scene… weird that Shaft takes moments off and lets the moment breathe instead of inserting Shaft-ish gags or Triforces or Mesousas.

“Your clothes give off a sense of honesty.”

Mmm… “honesty”… that’s what they call it these days? I kid, I kid… but it did honestly take forever for her to put them on. But I liked Meme’s approving “Mmmm” and the tone he used. He was flatly checking her out like Mio checking out a left-handed bass.

I liked how Meme asks if Koyomi he took a shower at Hitagi’s place because he’s trying to set him up for some wild, stapler-filled fun. (Like why does Koyomi need to shower for Hitagi’s ritual?) Meme’s “you’re as stubborn as ever” reveals this fact.

(Stubborn as in not breaking a no-hook up with someone who just stapled my mouth policy? Or stubborn as in “only going brokeback with Itsuki” policy? The way Koyomi behaved the previous ten minutes… both are believable.)

I thought that Mushishi was well done from a dialogue and a moralistic standpoint. Bakemonogatari (Ghostory) may blow it out of the water… there’s wittier dialogue wrapping around similar moralistic overtones. Except there’s an insane amount of crazy and a crazy amount of fanservice tossed in. Even though this is just the second of fifteen episodes, I feel confident in this formula.

(Of course, I said the same thing about Shigofumi, and, well… it was still enjoyable. But I didn’t exactly pre-empt Code Geass to watch Shigofumi.)

I like how this ceremony looks like a secret wedding celebrities might have. Or maybe a cult wedding. I dunno. Never done either, but I imagine this is what they are like. I also like how Meme is giving alcohol to an underaged minor. I further like how they don’t cover it up as “juice.”

(Crabs steamed in water with some rice wine… excellent.)

“What’s your name?” “What’s the school that you go to?” “When’s your birthday?” “Who is your favorite author?” “Can you tell me a story about how you screwed up as a kid?” “What classical music do you like?” “Do you understand the child support laws in the state of California?” “How did you feel when you graduated from elementary school?” “What kind of person was your first crush?” “What’s your most painful memory in your life up until now?”

Sorry, these weren’t the questions that Meme asked Hitagi. These were the questions that the Sacramento Kings asked Tyreke Evans before drafting him.

Loved how Hitagi blew through those answers. She’s the anti-Sarah Palin when it comes to pressure interviews.

(Looking a bit like Major Motoko… must be the full lips, the hair, and the cool as cucumber demeanor.)

I knew it… knew it… we’re at the climax of the arc when Hitagi finally shows some kinks to her armor and admits to what’s bothering her. How her mom tried to use her for the sake of the cult… and… we get a Shaft being Shaft moment. Sigh. It’s like they took a perfect game to the eight inning, and then gave up a first pitch home run.

(But in Shaft’s defense, how are they going to illustrate a mom that basically sold out her daughter to be raped by a cultist?)

(Oh wait, Shaft could have just shown a shot of Hitagi’s face or Meme’s face or even Koyomi’s mug. Would it be better than personifications of imageboard ascii art? Yes. Yes, it would.)

Shaft being Shaft. Though I liked how Hitagi fended off her attacker with a shoe; the only way it would be more awesome is if she used a plate of flaming hot curry. Nevertheless. I want Mio to start working on lyrics for a shoe-related love song. Don’t say that I am crazy… ~♫

I feel like Jimi Hendrix should be featured in the soundtrack.

Hitagi feels the weight of breaking up her family… and she wished for the weight of her mom to be gone… so the crab obliged. Now, she wants it back because even though it’s painful, it’s a part of her. I just wished that when the crab did take the weight, it said, “Noblesse oblige. Please continue becoming a yandere.”

She weighs little enough that I do see a spirit crab flinging her across the room. This is unlike, oh, Lex Luthor tossing Superman across the room in Superman Returns after he is exposed to kryptonite. It only weakens Superman! It doesn’t steal his weight! Why the hell am I referencing such a dumb movie?

More Shaft being Shaft, but it works in this case for this anime. I’m just glad they didn’t write “And remember to watch Zan Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei at 1am!” Crap, did I just give them an idea?

I was rooting for Meme to give the spirit crab a German suplex a la Onizuka.

I like Meme explaining that he hates crabs because they are hard to eat. Soft-shelled, my friend. Soft-shelled. But… is this why Mio hates barnacles?

(From “I’d eat her choco-coronet” to “Please eat my bento” to “I’d eat her crabs.” I’m beginning to think fanboy should be another dialect of English. Make it so or LOLCAT gets it.)

And the yandere asks for forgiveness from the crab and from herself. At least for tsunderes, as Tomoya has shown, it’s the number of licks to wear down the hard candy shell to get at the soft Tootsie Roll center. For yanderes… would it be more like number of Atomic fiery hot buffalo wings one must eat before one can finally wash it down with a Heineken?

(Her “gomen nasai” gave me the chills. Flashbacks… flashbacks, man.)

(But the ponytail… if the spirit crab couldn’t be swayed by an apologetic yandere with a healthy ponytail, I dunno what could sway it.)

I wonder who at Shaft thinks up stuff like, “Hey, why don’t we work in a photograph of a baby doll wrapped in bandages circled by art deco line art flowers?”

(More importantly, who approves these ideas?)

Looking at this screenshot, I was thinking, “I, for one, welcome our new weight-eating crab overlords.” Then I started thinking… is Hitagi the only traditional female teenager who wants to gain weight? Why wouldn’t she go to the crab and make a deal like, “I really want my feelings for my family back, but feel free to keep five or ten pounds for your troubles?” Like if I suddenly found a crab that steals weight, wouldn’t I suddenly be the richest person in America charging people to instantly lose weight without exercise or dieting or weird pills or meth or surgery?

Hitagi’s tone has gone as pale as a car flag-waving Haruhi fanboy watching Endless Eight for the… uh… I forget? How many times has it been now?

(Watching a yandere break… well… I’m not giving up hope that Hitagi staples the crab.)

“At least I made a precious new friend.”

Loved her look. I feel almost as if she should cut her long purple hair short…

I liked how matter-of-factly she asks for Koyomi’s forgiveness and friendship… wasn’t it like three hours ago that she tried to staple his mouth shut? Now they’re precious friends?

And only in anime can the guy be like, “So what if she tried to staple my mouth shut three hours ago! She looks hawt in her stationary-imprinted underwear!” (Oh wait, that’s not just guys in anime… nevermind.)

Yep, that’s it. The same that says, “I’ll be good now, I promise!” You just know that, like Kyou, in two weeks, she’ll be in a dominatrix outfit whipping Koyomi’s Pig of Capitalism.

(I just hope that their safe word is “staple.”)

Whoa, Elsyee and Elsyee-Nii for sisters?

Ah, so that’s his secret. It’s all about the Axe for Men Bodywash. The ending is a bit hokey with Koyomi gaining weight… but… eh… not shabby. Not shabby at all.

(I’ll be honest. Fanservice is good. Fanservice with biting good dialogue with a cocktease is better. But fanservice with biting good dialogue with a cocktease and a re-enactment of Unlimited Blade Works with staplers would have been best. I feel like we were cheated. But I’m still going to watch this episode again once I finish up this post.)

Lastly… preview quiz 4tw! I have a question for you… how many episodes will Endless Eight span?