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May 23 2009

Categories: eden of the east, episodic review
Tagged: eden of the east

16 Comments »

Heeeeeere’s Johnny!

“A beautiful lady invites tender young virgins like us to a hotel, and, if they can’t get it up, they get their Johnny chopped off. It’s said that there’s been over 20,000 victims.”

I think that sums up why Eden of the East is so awesome. Just a complete tour de force in every which way but easy. Somehow, in the midst of a ridiculous game to save Japan that started with a nakkid man in front of the White House, we’re in the throes of a woman who cuts dicks off men who can’t get stiff even if Mio and Mikuru were making out in front of them. And it all makes sense. And it all makes us want more.

Saki’s panicking while waiting for the elevator was riveting. She was just a nervous, fidgeting ball of energy– a tremendous job and much better than Mikuru’s Macarena dance from earlier. I wonder what she was more panicked about? Was she concerned for Taki’s safety? Ohsugi’s safety? That Taki was about to bang Kuroha? I vote she was definitely worried, based on her eavesdropping, that Taki was going to Johnnyize Kuroha before her. Though if Taki did sleep with Kuroha, I wonder what Saki would do.

LOL @ igphone. IG and Kamiyama are sneaking in sneaky self-references… there has to be a reason why 20,000 appears so much in Kamiyama’s works. I almost feel like he’s punking us right now. Though I can’t wait for Kamiyama’s re-imagining of the battle of Thermopylae.

(And, yes, highly disappointed Kyoto worked in zero self-references in K-On! despite overloading us with them in Raki Suta. From a studio that gave us the Tess/Chidori, God Knows, Kotomi-chan’s recital, and Motteke extravaganzas, how do you not at least sneakily allude to them during an anime about a music band? Inexplicable. At the very least, have a scene where Sawa-chan is costume raping Mio, and Mio is wearing the same light blue underwear Mikuru wore back in 2006… oh wait… I forgot. Kyoto is too high and mighty for fanservice these days.)

But not Production IG… hallelujah for a psycho who wanders around in see-thru lingerie and cuts off penises. And another hallelujah for giving her a magical cell phone loaded up to the gills with cash. At this point, do you think Kuroha is more or less insane than either Sonozaki twin? I can’t decide. Depending on the reboot, at least you could blame outside factors on Mion’s and Shion’s behavior… but Kuroha is in full command of her mind while doing this. And I think killing men by specifically targeting their genitalia makes Kuroha more insane than just butchering people or waterboarding them.

“There’s no way around it. I’ve got to save you too.”

Taki, you had me at hello. (Well, showing up at the White House nakkid.) You’re in that small elite group with other luminaries like Archer, Simon, Hosaka, and Kogarashi. Well deserved. Just gotta love an anime hero who decides that he has to bed a villainess to save the day. He just does it so matter-of-factly that even James Bond is impressed.

(I got chills seeing Baroness in the GI Joe trailer… that movie looks so ridiculously wonderfully horribly train wreckish, that I’m already booking IMAX tickets for it. )

Amati: Have you forgotten about OYAKATA-SAMA already?

I’m sorry. You just failed Meme Entymology 101. “Gar” is derived from an ill-fated post gushing about Archer; therefore, he gets the honor.

“It seems like you never got any love from a Johnny.”

“There has never been a Johnny that could give me love.”

It’s not that Taki wanted to bed Kuroha that makes him gar. It’s the fact that he’s so adamantly confident that it’s his Johnny that’s going to make her into an honest woman. You gotta love that. I think in all of anime, only Kamina would have the same combination of self-confidence, gleely stupidly, and immense maniless to make the same claims.

Actually, that’s only half the battle. The other half is that Taki exudes so much gar that Kuroha believes him (or at least wants to believe him). Saki, all I can say is that if you don’t land Taki, it’ll be worse than Memphis getting the second pick in the 2003 NBA draft instead of the first pick.

(Alright, I’ll explain that NBA reference. If Memphis got the first pick in 2003, they got to keep it… and the #1 pick that year? LBJ. If Memphis got any other pick, they had to ship it to Detroit for the horrendously bad Otis Thorpe trade. Of course, Detroit blew that pick on Darko when they should have taken ‘Melo… and seeing ‘Melo and Chauncey play in the wrong city… ugh, bad times. Saki, don’t let any of this happen to you. Taki is Global Icon-like. Bag him. Do whatever it takes, even it involves consulting Sawa-chan on outfits.)

Taki’s right that Kuroha had some Johnny-related trauma (I swear, I’ve written “Johnny” more than “melonpan” lately), and I think it’s fun to guess what! Let’s not consider the obviously things like a bad love affair or some childhood abuse.

1. “Barnacles.” If she said that with a straight face, that would be that. I would stop watching anime because even if I watched for another 21 years, nothing would top that.

2. “I used to have a Johnny.” Scarily plausible.

3. “I used to have a Johnny that I cut off myself.” So scarily plausible, I’m trembling even as I type it.

4. “Priceline sent me to the Overlook Hotel.”

5. “I was broken by a Minami sister.”

Suigintou!

I liked Juiz being a bit feisty and sarcastic in this episode. I still think Juiz is Maria after Nagi fires her for hitting on Hayate. And, honestly, the only two anime characters who could do what Juiz does so quickly and effectively are Maria and Yuki… and Yuki’s just not the right personality fit for Juiz. Though we’d know for sure that it’s Maria if after Taki bursts into Kuroha’s room, Juiz goes, “Noblesse oblige. Please continue scoring all the heroines.”

1.5 billion to buy the hotel when Taki supposed spent 1.8 billion on sending missiles to attack Japan, buying a swank shopping mall, and a memory wipe? The economics of these requests don’t seem right. The police bribe (1,500) was just too low. Seriously, a police officer will risk censure for $15? Is the Japanese economy so bad?

The greatest missed threesome opportunity since Tomoya, Kyou, and my imagination were locked in a gym storage shed together.

Incredibly well-animated. I feel like a mix of Hubie Brown and Jeff Van Gundy when it comes to gushing about this.

(And, yes, total fail this episode for a lack of a non-sequitur movie reference. What? Couldn’t work in a Weird Science or a Toy Soldiers reference?)

patcliffe: Hmm… wouldn’t Kana just gather thousands of schoolboys at a shopping mall to perfect their trapfulness?

I think this saves Japan more than building a hospital, chopping penises of sexual predators, and animating a new season of Haruhi Suzumiya. Yes, it’s true. I’m Selecao XII, and I asked Juiz to bring back Haruhi Suzumiya. I will continue being a fanboy messiah.

Skribulous: OMG Stephen Colbert is a Selecao! OTL

He’s I. And Oprah’s Mr. Outside. I think this explains a lot…

Blademun: Isn’t this being directed by the same person who directed GitS?

Only mentioned like 20,000 times already, starting with the original episode one post and every other post since then.

Alice: Jason, You had me at the Short Circuit reference but then you mentioned Total Recall as well? I resign my position as fashion expert candidate and would now like to apply to be your waifu. Unfortunately, I face some tough competition fighting against your hoards of broken male readers lusting after their Jason-ko.

I think you have it wrong. I think it’s my readers having bromances with me that go too far… but if you don’t have a Johnny and never had a Johnny, that puts you in the 90th percentile when it comes to readership. But, again, because of the nature of this blog, I assume everyone has a Johnny… it’s almost like how police officers are trained to be guard every moment, especially during random traffic stops.

Though you’ve given me a new idea… The Bachelor Trap. There’s a lot of problems with ABC’s The Bachelor… namely they keep picking good looking and rich men like Italian princes or NFL quarterbacks. These guys don’t need help finding a waifu. Also, they keep picking women who are crazy… but they’re all the same type of “I’m on TV!”/drunk type of insanity. I would instead have a normal guy who knows a bit too much about the NBA and surround him with 25 women… except seven of them wouldn’t be women. It puts an element of danger and suspense into the proceedings. Can you imagine how awesome of a face the guy would have if he picked one of the traps for the fantasy suite? What if he fell in love with a trap, and then discovered that it was a trap and had to reconcile his feelings in a Brokeback-ish way? How relieved would he be if he gave the promise ring to an actual woman at the end? I would TiVo this show.

Rajion: Kukuku. I simply would clone the money with my 36th sense, kill the supporter with my hair, buy up all the lions in the world, and wrestle them. Kukuku.

Yep… these are my readers.