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Sep 07 2009

Categories: bakemonogatari, episodic review
Tagged: monogatari

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“I feel a little bit dirty looking at your body.”

I just watched an episode of Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei prior to this episode… and… my gosh, night and day in prettiness. The fact that Zetsubou is purposefully uglied up doesn’t help, but it’s almost like Shaft knows Bakemonogatari is a golden ticket and now are treating it as so. (Unlike, oh, a certain Haruhi Suzumiya franchise. And, yes, I don’t care about Disappearance or Intrigue… they’re all after Nadeko Snake, Tsubasa Cat, and Koyomi Vamp in the batting order.)

(And I just want to say that there’s good pacing and bad pacing. There’s no magic “words per light novel per episode” metric. Just that I know Bakemonogatari is on pace… maybe a bit fast, since Hitagi Crab should have been three episodes with the shower scene being 24 minutes instead of 12… while Haruhi is moving too slow and Toradora went too fast. I mean, you just know. Kinda like you just know you’re about to get the flu or you just know you’re going to be chewed out by your Office Depot-loving girlfriend for hitting on yet another underaged girl with an oddity.)

Wait, Koyomi’s on a love-love dai-to with Suruga? Doesn’t Koyomi have an insane and insanely jealous girlfriend? And isn’t Suruga a lesbian with a crush on said girlfriend? This is more disorienting than seeing Itsuki and Mikuru try to kiss.

That smile… I’m just thinking about when Suruga offered her body in replacement for Senjougahara’s. I think Suruga genuinely likes Koyomi… is it because he has a Holden McNeil-like ability make lesbians fall in love with him? Or is it because he’s effeminate enough that Suruga can reconcile her sexual orientation with that? Or is it that Suruga’s just bi? We need to know these things.

He does sigh a lot. I kinda want Koyomi to hook up with Maria just because of that.

(Speaking of Maria… which anime character would be most suited for nakkid apron? I’d go with Maria as a heavy favorite. I just imagined nakkid apron Maria turning around, smiling, and offering a box of Valentine’s Day chocolate…)

(Um, I’m done for the day. I’ll continue writing this post tomorrow. Maria. Maria. Maria…)

Another episode, another haremette. The way things are going, I think millenniums from now, Koyomi, Negima, and Tomoya will be revered for their virility.

(Reminds me of the recent Zetsubou episode where Zetsubou-sensei tries to hook up with more and more girls to “pull the points” only it angered Kitsu more and more thus resulting in a bloodbath that made Rena and Shion blush. I’m not saying that’ll happen here… but I’m not willing to discount it either.)

(I’m kinda disappointed there’s no connection between Mayoi and Suruga. So far, all the characters have been somehow interconnected, except Mayoi and Suruga. I just hope it ends up with Suruga beating up Mayoi and feeling her up. Oh wait…)

I gotta say… the wall of text that begins each episode gets me pumped up for each episode. I’m just glad Shaft hasn’t started doing Shaft-like things with this like inserting yesterday’s winning lotto numbers or anything like that. Shit. Did I just give them an idea?

Bamboo! Have you ever sliced down bamboo with a sword like in samurai movies? I’d like that try that at least once.

I liked Kanbaru gushing about how cute Nadeko was. We didn’t expect this at all!

(Kanbaru’s outfit makes it look like she’s getting ready to paint a house or something. And there seems to be a lot of hoodies in this anime…)

“This mountain is full of snakes.”

Cue… “And the biggest one is… right here!”

(Too easy.)

Shouldn’t the bite mark be healed by now? Or is this from a more recent loli vampire cowgirl session? And is there anyway that Koyomi isn’t a lolicon?

(Can Mayoi, Shinobu, and Nadeko oust the Simeon Girl Force from Needless as the greatest loli team this year? I’m more intrigued by this than how Haruhi acquires a talking cat.)

I have honestly never been in a classroom with a roof high enough that I could stack desks six high and still be far away from the ceiling. Also, does Meme ever leave the school? And how does he keep his Hawaiian shirts so clean and pristine? Hawaiian shirts need a lot of upkeep.

“She told me to act my cutest.”

Would you watch amateur pr0n footage of a Koyomi, Senjougahara, Kanbaru, and Kanbaru’s monkey devil paw foursome? And would you die afterward like in The Ring if you did?

Just realized that there’s not going to be any Senjougahara lines this episode. This is like showing up at a Cardinal’s game and realizing that Pujols is out of the lineup that day. Devastating. Though I like how Shaft zooms around the haremettes in this show, and their zoom up Kanbaru reminded me of a scene from Armageddon. It’s the picnic scene before they going into space, and Affleck takes the animal cracker and moves it up Liv Tyler’s chest saying that it’s lost in a vast mountain range (or something like that) but Liv Tyler’s not exactly, uh, a vast mountain range. That’s how I feel about Kanbaru. Least exciting melonpan of this season, barely edging out Canaan. Anyway, I guess my point is… second Ben Affleck reference and we’re only 13 screenshots in

(If I told you today that a new movie starring Bruce Willis, Ben Affleck, and Liv Tyler was coming out tomorrow, would you go to see it? Of course not. That just shows how dated Armageddon is.)

She’s merciless.

(There. Your one Senjougahara screenshot this episode. Normally, I’d be worried as in episodes three through eight of Endless Eight worried or Matt Cassel went down with an knee injury worried, but Bakemonogatari hasn’t let me down in terms of blogging material yet.)

“I think she wants to spend her birthday alone with you.”

“She’s that fine of a woman?”

Let’s just say that I’m looking forward to the Senjougahara birthday episode the same way I looked forward to the second season of Haruhi Suzumiya. I just hope it doesn’t disappoint me the say way.

(Oh who am I kidding? It’ll disappoint me. My imagination for Senjougahara’s birthday is already scaring myself.)

I like the colors of this scene… and I like the decorations around the light holes in the ceiling. They look like coiled snakes.

(Note to self: go watch Snakes on a Plane again. Might be useful.)

Just realized that Kanbaru’s pants have been zipped down completely this whole time. Observant blogger 4tw! Is this a new fashion trend like showing off bra straps?

I like the shadow of the temple coiling up (like a snake). My gosh… does this mean I have to revise my anime studio/QB list? And would Shaft be Drew Brees?

Liked the music when Koyomi started freaking out because he lost Kanbaru… mmm… he does realize that she’s Taokaka-powerful and can fend for herself, right? And that he’s the real wuss, barely stronger than a normal human (assuming he’s been sucked on by a loli vampire).

That’s definitely a “once I straighten out my eyes so you’ll know where to look, you’ll be shocked too” face.

I think when he (she?) was little, Nisio Isin had a very, very bad experience at a zoo. None of these stories so far have been flattering to animals. And last week I asked for which animal should make an appearance next, and I’m going with ruffles on “Rabbit! Wait, then we’d just get Mesousa.” But, see, this is a good thing. If Koyomi (and Meme) can somehow redeem Mesousa, it would prove that they are the greatest one-two punch, surpassing Simon and Kamina. Now that’s a challenge.

(Or is Mesousa just not redeemable by default, kinda like how a Chevy Nova was dead out of the gate in Latin America?)

He just had a temple date with Suruga, and now he’s out shopping with Hanekawa? Lucky bastard.

Enjoyed the sequence where Hanekawa flips books to Koyomi as the camera flips around Hanekawa. Well done Shaft, well done. I want a similar sequence done in the future with Senjougahara flipping pr0n and sex advice books to Koyomi.

(Well, you don’t even need to read spoilers to know that Hanekawa’s scenario is that she knows everything and everyone… except herself. Since Nisio Isin has been not-so-subtlety dropping clues on this, I would guess that it’s absolutely wrong. She probably knows herself but doesn’t want to yet has to, much like Silk Specter 2.0 in Watchmen.)

(With Koyomi trying to enter the same university as Senjougahara, I have a great idea for Ghostory II. Koyomi fails his entrance exam, and Senjougahara teases and mocks him for it– I know, I know, supportive girlfriend 4tw!– but she does so at her own neglect and thus fails too. The two would then rent rooms at a local cram school / hot springs inn and “study” for next year’s exams. All while meeting the other girls at this inn who each have their own oddity. I know, I know, not exactly an original idea… but you’d watch it.)

I don’t know if it says about about the anime industry, the stereotypes of the industry, or Bakemonogatari, but it’s refreshing to see school girls in anime wearing realistic skirts. I’m not advocating this for all shows or even most shows (as it would just doom Needless), but for a few, the effect works well.

(With the glasses and the twisted pigtails and the bookstore setting, Hanekawa just looks like a sexy librarian stereotype waiting to, uh, break out.)

Um… uh… here’s a quickie list of what I’m looking forward to:

1. The new Code Geass series.
2. Tsubasa Cat.
3. Koyomi Vamp.
4. Eden of the East.
5. K-On! OVA.
6. Gundam 00 Jupiter.
7. A video player that can handled ordered MKVs on Macs.
15,532. Disappearance of Haruhi Suzumiya.

I kept expecting the bow-cha-cha music to start while Hanekawa tosses her glasses to the side with disdain. And gotta love Horie Yui enunciating “KA-N-BA-RU-SA-N”.

(I like how Koyomi misunderstood Hanekawa when she meant that Koyomi has to watch getting too close to other women now that he’s scored the toughest heroine. Koyomi seems to forget how insane and insanely jealous his girlfriend is.)

(And, yes, I’ll commend Shaft for not sticking random Hidamari manga volumes or have Mesousa popping out from behind the bookshelves. Shaft animating things (somewhat) normally and turning out great? What a concept!)

Scanning around to see if I could find Obama’s Audacity of Hope in the background. Nope. And part of me believes that Hanekawa is telling Koyomi not to get too close to Kanbaru because Hanekawa wants Koyomi for herself.

“I had to. She’s touchy-feely.”

“Do you think [Senjougahara] would buy that as an excuse?”

Senjougahara doesn’t think normally, so I have no clue what she’d buy. But… Kanbaru touchy-feely with a man? Definitely bisexual. Or else Kanbaru would be behaving more like Kanako from Maria+Holic.

“Senjougahara said it herself, ‘I won’t let you be rude to my junior.'”

I think Koyomi got it confused… not being rude is not the same as asking for the girlfriend experience. Or is it rude to not ask for the girlfriend experience in Japan?

(Loved Hanekawa’s shifty eyes.)

“Senjougahara told me to help her.”

“I see. Kinda like… this?”

Do women in anime have non-cleavage moles? Like you don’t see moles on faces. For some strange reason, I think Hanekawa would be 20% more attractive with a Cindy Crawford-type mark. Am I weird for thinking that? Or am I weird for being disappointed that comments like this one from Niles, “I’ve been complaining about this for almost 10 years, except back then, we didn’t have dunking chicks, we had to make do with pretty-boys.” and thinking, “Still not YTAMR material.”?

“Hai~~ dozo~~”

Do I make a “Dozo~~ here’s a ‘starfish'” joke? Or do I go with a “Araragigigigi is fail for not responding, ‘Ikadakimasu!'” line?

This is the difference between anime and American TV. Koyomi hasn’t even kissed Senjougahara (his supportive girlfriend) yet and has only felt up one haremette. In the first nine episodes of the new atrocious 90210 series, every possible coupling not involving the black dude (racial phobias from the network that brought us Homeboys from Outer Space seems really weird) has been tried. And even a few threesome and an episode about a leaked YouPorn clip.

(I guess my point is this… there’s a lot more sex and promiscuity in American TV.)

Can you imagine the other patrons at this bookstore? Um… I need to grab that copy of Ender’s Game behind you…

(But if Koyomi and Hanekawa did move onto first base, a bookstore or a library would be my guess. That’s an easier deduction than Professor Plum with the knife in the kitchen.)

Damn, where’s Senjougahara when you (really) need her to be around? And can we start calling Koyomi the “Jim Kelly Buffalo Bills” for being yet so close yet so far?

“Like you were just a breathe away. Right, Araragi-kun?”

Corrected: a breathe and a staple through the Johnny away.

“If she’s that dear to you, you’ve got to resist your temptations too.”

But asking Koyomi to stop hitting on younger girls is like asking Ricky Rubio to play basketball in Minnesota. It’s just not happening.

(Much rather have Shaft zooming in, out, and around the haremettes during long dialogue scenes than Shaft being Shaft images of slutty gravure models being stapled.)

Hanekawa isn’t going to college but going to travel around the world… mmm… can we get a spin-off series? Hanekawa’s Travels? We’ll pair her up with a talking motorcycle, and it’ll be exactly like Kino’s Travels except instead of having a male secretly DFC female lead we’ll have a secretly hawt librarian girl lead.

(At the very least, it is an excuse for Hanekawa to straddle a nice, big piston engine between her legs. Okay… that sounded worse than I intended.)

There’s not exactly a huge selection of snake occult books at Border’s. Keroro‘s Fuyuki has already purchased them all.

“It’s tough to go up to an old acquaintance and say hi. She might not remember me, so it’ll seem like a creepy pickup line. The self-defense instincts of an adolescent girl are pretty fearsome.”

“You sound like you know that from experience.”

“Can’t deny that.”

Excellent writing. Loved this exchange for all the obvious reasons.

(But why did he call Kanbaru? Couldn’t he have called Senjougahara? Or was he thinking that Senjougahara be mad because he got involved with yet another loli chix0r?)

A: “And you seem like you’re pretty good with younger girls, Kanbaru. You’re the school’s top star.”

(Translation: “You’ve popped the lesbian virginity of many a young girl; therefore, you’re a good choice to help me right now, much like Ash picking Pikachu against water type Pokemon.”)

S: “I see. I get what you mean.”

(Translation: “I’ve already deflowered both of your sisters.”)

S: “I guess I am pretty good with younger girls.”

(Translation: “At the same time. They were sobbing by the end.”)

A: “You sure are. I’m glad I asked you.”

(Translation: “Note to self: hide 1080p camcorder, ???, profit!”)

Excellent writing. Loved this exchange for all the obvious reasons.

Poor Nadeko trying to kill the snake reminded me of… uh… I dunno. First time in anime where I’ve seen a desperate middle school girl sobbing as she kills a snake. Usually they’re laughing or smiling. And I’ve watched a lot of anime.

(Except this season, since I’ve been quite busy during the summer… but Zetsubou-sensei is always good, Tears to Tiara is excellent, Horo~n is always spicy and wolfy, and Needless would be a show that I would normally blog about, except it just ran against the Bakemonogatari 4,000 word juggernaut and the 2,000 word “Wait, what the fuck happened to the Haruhi Suzumiya franchise?” serial. Just bad timing.)

Sengoku penetrated the snake with as much ease, delicacy, and nervousness as when Suzaku first penetrated Lulu.

(Code Geass is just the gift that keeps on giving, much like herpes. I’m still bracing for the first Pizza Hut ad to appear in-anime for Ghostory. I just hope it doesn’t involve the next arc, Tsubasa Stuffed Crust Pizza.)

His plan was to go up slowly and use Kanbaru to start conversing with Sengoku? Except he just runs up and screams her name? Nice. Way to run the offense.

Does Sengoku satisfy the long lost childhood friend archetype? I’d say yes. Though I like for all these flashbacks, Koyomi’s eyes are hidden like he’s sort of child predator on trial.

(And Sengoku does look a bit like Rika… nii-pah!)

Wait, they go from the temple to his bedroom? He works fast! Koyomi could make a fortune in Japan telling about his secrets on how to lure underaged middle school girls back to his bedroom.

(He has a banana for a couch/display? And he has a nice HDTV without a PS3, Wii, or BD player? Or a stack of K-On! discs? And his bookshelves are empty? What happened to the books he bought with Hanekawa? And why is his room in Japan larger than my master bedroom in America?)

“The room’s changed.”

“Yep, it’s setup for one person now. My sisters are in the same room as before.”

Sounds so sketchy on so many levels. But… wait, is his sisters have always been in a different room, with whom did he share this room with before?

“Alright, I’m going to look for the pr0n mags.”

Kanbaru is awesome.

“It’s useful to know your fetishes.”

Wait, why? Is this part of Senjougahara’s birthday surprise? More importantly, they just invited this little girl into their bed room, and they’re looking for pr0n. Where’s the wine coolers? Where’s the poorly-rolled marijuana? Where’s Chris Hansen?

“I figured out your fetishes when I was stalking you before. I know exactly what kind of pr0n you’ve been buying lately.”

I think Koyomi’s fetishes are to Bakemonogatari what “the noodle incident” was to Calvin and Hobbes. We just know even someone as energetic and open-minded as Senjougahara can’t keep up with them for a lifetime. Trying to guess Koyomi’s fetishes is going to be the real mystery of this series. We’re given clues to piece together, slowly, for this ultimate puzzle.

Who goes and buys pr0n magazines anymore? Koyomi… just use the interwebs. And can a high school student buy pr0n magazines in Japan? More importantly, why do they sell pr0n mags at airports? It’s not like there’s only one or two of them… there’s usually a larger pr0n mag selection than photography or travel mags. I just find that perplexing. What kind of person is going to checkout, at an airport newstand, with a bottle of water, some Mentos, and Hustler’s Tits and Asses Special Edition while the horrified lady with two kids behind this person waits with her US Weekly and two bags of M&Ms? And are you supposed to read this on the plane? Break out Penthouse Letters while they’re serving beverages?

“You’ve got pretty pervy kinks!”

Senjougahara said something similar before. Needless to say, we have a question for this week’s pop quiz.

(koyomipervykinks.com… blah. Too long of an URL.)

“You’ve made your choice! Out of the window with you!”

“Most girls would rather jump out of the window than do that! But I can do it easily and casually.”

Another clue! What sexual fetish causes woman to jump out of windows? Wait, I think I misunderstood that one. Still, I don’t think it’s something simple as “dress up as a meido” or “dress up like a little Brazilian boy”. It has to be a physical act of some kind. And it has to be something that they make disturbing magazines for.

(I know! High-end kitchen remodeling without using granite countertops! High-end kitchen mags are referred to occasionally and jokingly as “women’s pr0n”, but still pr0n. And for most of these women, doing new kitchens without going granite is a highly disturbing though. More still… it’s a mag Koyomi could buy before the age of 18.)

(Kanbaru bragging that she could pull off this fetish easily and casually… mmm… I’m really intrigued.)

“Zetsoubu shita! You’re showing off!”

Koyomi’s Fallout 3 face is the despair face of Bakemonogatari.

All I’m going to say is… if you didn’t know that Sengoku was getting nakkid, I have some magic beans that I’d like to sell you. Too bad Sengoku miscalculated and doesn’t know (yet) that Kanbaru’s an ultra lesbian. Besdies that, the odds that Nadeko, Kanbaru, and Koyomi will re-enact the threesome scene from Wild Things has been taken off of the books on Vegas. Expect I think Koyomi will be pouring chilled green tea over Kanbaru’s body instead of the champagne.

Enjoyed gg’s Tokyo Tosho Tweet for this episode: “Someone wake me up when the naked little girl is out of the show.​” I can tell they can’t wait for the new season of Code Geass as well.

Wait, can I post screenshots for the remainder of the episode without violating US law? OH SHI-

Money. Just money, baby.

(The scene… the situation… the characters… everything. Perfect. Haven’t seen this much synergy in an anime scene since moe~ moe~ kyun.)

(This scene alone shows the powers of Shaft used for good instead of evil. And it’s a welcome change, frankly.)

(Gaijin 4koma is always awesome. When is it never awesome?)

“Bloomers?”

“I gave her those. I keep them around to wear from time to time.”

“Oh you wear bloomers from time to time.”

“It’s only natural for a lady to have this kind of interest.”

Excellent writing. Loved this exchange for all the obvious reasons. An extra reason of which is that they’re calmly discussing bloomers while a half nakkid middle school girl is nervously twitching in front of them like an amateur auditioning for her first pr0n video.

(They need to make an American Idol for pr0n. I would watch this… can you imagine Simon decimate wannabe pr0n actress and actors with “Stretch marks? Next!” or “He’s as limp as my coffee.”)

Kanbaru’s just like Michael Jackson licking his lips at Macaulay Culkin.

(And why is Sengoku wearing bloomers instead of normal underwear?)

Did we just activate Sakura’s route in Fate/Stay Night?

“You’re all grown up, so you won’t feel dirty looking at my body, right?”

She has yet to realize that she’s showing off in front of a lesbian that’s very popular with younger girls and a guy with many kinks, including an affinity towards younger girls. This is going to end well.

(Remember the beginning of the episode where Koyomi goes on about regretting this arc… now I’m beginning to see the regret.)

(We went from weightless crab… to GPS-interfering snail… to devil’s paw… to loli snake bondage. Bakemonogatari is awesome.)

“Let me correct myself. I feel a little bit dirty looking at your body.”

A crying, sobbing, bloomer-only wearing loli crying out for help… no wonder Koyomi can’t refuse.

(It would be funny if his sisters walked in. “WTF IS GOING ON!” It would be funnier if Senjougahara walked in… no it wouldn’t… it would just be a bloody mess… actually, that would be pretty funny… nevermind!)

Cue The Story You Don’t Know. And we’re out…

(I wonder if the budget for this music video higher or lower than Mikuru 00.)

Pop quiz 4tw! I have a question for you… what do you think is Koyomi’s pervy kink?

Awesome out image. Long cat is long!