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Jul 04 2010

Categories: bakemonogatari, episodic review
Tagged: monogatari

24 Comments »

Adieu l’ami.

I complained that I had to wait four months for Bakemonogatari 14… well… guess what? I had to wait five months for this final episode. Shaft outdone themselves. It took nine months to get out the final three episodes… what a momentum killer. Good news is I can break out a cross-pollinated Shaft being slowpoke Shaft meme now.

(I think a Hanekawa x Otonashishi H scene would top a Senjougahara x Otonashishi scene just because there’s a 50% chance Hitagi is all talk but Hanekawa can always go cat mode and rock Otonashishi’s world.)

Love this scene. Love the look on Senjougahara as she stares at the cutout of mini-Otonashishi. Just fantastic. Senjougahara is to scissors what Calamity Jane is to pistols.

(Now that’s love. Either love or some sort of crazed yandere version of it. But love.)

(Yes, it’s been so long that another Kamiya role has redefined his identity. It’s going to be a while before I can get the name right… right now, I’m fully expecting Otonashishi to come up with a plan with Black Hanekawa to send everyone to heaven so the two of them can stay at the school together. Stay tuned.)

Otona– err– Araragi in denial that Hanekawa is in love with him? Has he been paying any attention to the plot thus far? Everyone takes a liking to Araragi after he helps them. And it’s not that far fetched– he was, to a point, perfectly average until Heart-over-blade came along, and Hanekawa has always been a superb performer, which satisfies the Third Modern Law of Anime. “Gosh, this perfectly hawt and desirable girl in my class hangs around me and only me… I bet she doesn’t like me!” Araragi has less common sense than BP at times.

Where are they? What kind of setting is this? Did Nishioishin define a random setting full of streetlamps that could be on top of some high rise? Or is this Shaft’s doing? I want to let out a Shatner-esque “KHAAAAAN!” but with “SHAAAAFT!” every time they do something like this.

Shaft being slowpoke Shaft. SHAAAAAFT!

(Need to find a cuter looking girl for live action Hanekawa. At least put an ad out on Craigslist… “Looking for girl with ideal, cat-like proportions for still photographs to be used in a Japanese cartoon. Don’t worry, it’s not pr0n. Well, at least not all of it.”)

Emo facial distortion! How I missed you. Let’s just say the last few seasons without any entrants from Sunrise has been hard on me.

“You think that a girl like mistress would have the guts to ask you out?”

Come on, her loss. Hanekawa played timid, not to lose, going for the tie. Senjougahara played an aggressive, open, attacking style for goals. What did you expect to happen? As soon as Hanekawa saw Araragi spending time with Senjougahara in the park, she should have opened it up and gone on offense. At the very least, she could have opened up more buttons on her pajamas during that park scene. Senjougahara knew– once she smelled that Hanekawa was there at the park, she just went for the throat by confessing then and there and making sure she got an answer before the day was over. She was the Germany to Hanekawa’s Argentina.

(Yes, the Vuvuzela World Cup is having an effect on me. BZZZZZZZZZZZ!)

The waterworks! Kyoto, watch your back. Shaft is gunning for your tears! Though Tsubasa here still doesn’t come close to Kyou and Ryou after Nagisa gets beaned by the tennis ball. Shaft is still the USA to Kyoto’s Ghana.

(There’s a lot more adjectives that can be used to describe basketball and football play styles… after watching over two weeks of the Vuvuzela World Cup, is there anything the announcers can say other than “they should be playing a wide open attacking style!” I think soccer has the equivalent strategy to checkers whereas football is chess. Of course, basketball is Monopoly. Oh look, the Chicago Bulls now control all four railroads!)

(And, please don’t let that happen. Wade/Bosh/LeBron on the Bulls would mean the end of the NBA. I would be sobbing like Hanekawa here. If I were David Stern, I would pass an emergency rule that forbids any team from signing more than one max free agent a year.)

I waited five months for subliminal images of crotches being grabbed? SHAAAAAAFT!

(The baby noises in the background… Shaft being slowpoke Shaft now extends to the audio as well as the video. Fan-fucking-tastic.)

Seeing Hanekawa going emo facial distortion is like seeing Obama going emo facial distortion. But Obama can! At least when The Rock plays him on SNL.

Not counting images or time stamps, this post already exceeds 6,300 characters (800 words). And I’m only at the OP. I would have needed a minimum of 45 tweets to get to this point. I realized this when I tried to tweet on ef.

There’s really only six types of Twitter feeds. The first is the Factual. The Factual just puts up links, images, articles, Amazon deals, Japanese word of the day, or whatnot.

The second is the Spammer. They tweet constantly, like dozens a day. I would toss Alyssa Milano and Lady Gaga in this category. (Good time to note I refuse to follow any Spammers. I can’t read that many tweets in the day.)

The third is the Prenatal Blogger. Remember when blogging first started, and everyone was using either Movable Type or b2? And all they blogged about were their boring lives or their cat? (Non-Tsubasa Cat, of course.) Do I really need tweets like, “Just took a dump, going to walk the dog now”? Many, many NBA players fall into this category… do I really care that Chris Bosh just woke up? And, yes, his most hilarious tweet was two days ago asking what was the buzzing noise during the Vuzuzela World Cup. Let’s just say having a college degree isn’t a requirement to play in the NBA.

The fourth if the Replier. More than half their tweets start with either an “@” or an “RT”… they are maddeningly to follow since you have to follow who they are replying to and trying to piecemeal the conversation together. Twitter, dialogue threading is not a bad thing. Our buddy Haess is in this category.

The fifth is the One Liner. Basically, use Twitter to write one liner jokes, either intentionally, unintentionally, or both. Bill Simmons, Mike Tyson, and Conan O’Brien would be the examples. My favorite type to follow, and the type I’m trying to model my own feed after. (No, seriously, Mike Tyson has a computer? I don’t believe this. This is less believable than the plot of Iron Eagle.)

The sixth is the Combo Guard. They do a bit of everything– reply, one line, inform, spam– Peter King and David Pogue would be the Rodney Stuckey and Dwayne Wade of this category.

(And, yes, it just took me 2,600 characters to write about a 140 character service. Let’s just move on. If Shaft gives us a five month delay between episodes, I can do a 2,600 character interruption in this post.)

Hanekawa’s pajamas are the opposite of vuvuzelas. That’s how awesome they are.

(Can you believe that if this episode came out on time, there would be zero Vuvuzela World Cup, zero BP oil spill, zero Twitter, and zero NBA free agency references in this post? Now? It’ll be dominated by them like how Black Hanekawas wants to dominate Araragi.)

We desperately need Koyomi Vamp animated. It’s going to be for Ghostory what Disappearance of Haruhi Suzumiya was to that franchise during the 2007-2009 period. And, yes, I still find it hilarious Shaft credited Aya Hirano as Heart-over-blade when she has yet to utter a line. I think it was Shaft thinking they could squeeze Koyomi Vamp in somehow… then they got into the project more and went, “We can’t do that! It would turn into a worse pacing nightmare than Angel Beats!” If, you know, Angel Beats existed back then.

(My verdict: still a pacing quagmire. Based on Buddy Waters’ translations, we’re still missing a bit. Should have gone 24 episodes with Koyomi Vamp arc added as well as two bonus hot springs episodes. Now that would have been perfect. I need to be Czar of Anime Episode Counts.)

“But she never expected a rival to appear. The girl you’re going out with moved in lighting quick.”

Back to USA vs. Ghana in the Vuvuzela World Cup, Hanekawa and Senjougahara were the US and Ghana, respectively, with the quick Ghana goal in overtime being Senjougahara’s confession. I just keep wondering what this post would have looked like nine months ago…

“I don’t lie.”

Girls who claim, “I don’t lie” are lying. That’s not even a Modern Law of Anime… that’s a Law of Life. Same with, “Tell me honestly– I won’t get mad– does this dress make me look fat?” Why don’t I ever get asked, “Tell me honestly– I won’t get mad– do these pajamas make me look like a slutty cat girl?” To which I could answer, “No, dear, you look like a classy be-speckled student council rep.” Oh wait, am I thinking out loud again?

Wasn’t this the plot to Ookami-san to Shichinin no Nakama-tachi? Only in anime where the desirable girl is the pauper to the average guy’s prince. My favorite part of this scene? The three mice!

And I’m going to plagiarize myself… going from crystal clear high definition Bakemonogatari to VGA-quality web stream of Bakemonogatari is like going from snorting cocaine from the belly of hot Russian model to snorting cocaine off of the kitchen floor. On one hand, it’s a step down. On the other hand, it’s still cocaine.

(Cocaine, though, is a wonderful thing. Okay, it’s not a wonderful thing, but still.)

(So everything is caused by Hanekawa’s unrequited love for Araragi. Eh, par for the course. Obviously, the three solutions are, one, Araragi dumps Hitagi for Tsubasa, which won’t happen, since Hitagi would slice his Johnny off. Two, Shinobu deus ex machina ending. Three, the Chasing Amy ending where Koyomi, Senjougahara, and Hanekawa have a threesome. This is the one that I’m rooting for.)

“Dump her and get with my mistress.”

Or a four way between Hanekawa, El Gato Negro Hanekawa, Araragi, and Senjougahara… actually, do we really need Araragi as part of that? Shit. We do.

(And, again, where are they having this conversation? This is bothering me more and more as the episode goes on. No, really, let’s have this conversation at this weird place in the middle of the night instead of a local Starbucks or 85C. Nishioishin is to weird places to have conversations as Jun Maeda is to piano muzak.)

“I figured you’d pick the sane one.”

Wait, which one is the sane one?

(Honestly, I still think Araragi would have picked Mayoi if society would have allowed it. He tried to lick her! Has he tried to lick Senjougahara like how Yui licks Azu-nyan?)

“Even with how she acts sometimes, I still love Senjougahara. (That’s it. I love everything about her. There isn’t a single part I hate.)”

They stole this line and this scene from the last episode of Vampire Bund. Sub out Senjougahara for Mina. It’s like six Kamiya-voiced male leads ago since Bakemonogatari started… wow.

I like the rolled-up sleeves school uniform look. I’m trying to imagine if Kyoto did this show instead… would it be like K-On!! except with a Supernatural Oddity club? At the very least, we’d get tons of awesome Hitagi outfits. And maybe a girl band featuring Senjougahara on vocals, Hanekawa on guitar, Nadeko on bass, Kanbaru on keyboard, and Mayoi on drums. And if K-On! were done by Shaft, would Mesousa replace Ton-chan and Yuno replace Yui?

“She’s just forcing you to do the hard part.”

Wow, Araragi opens the field and plays offense! He criticizes El Gato! That takes some balls, much like Derrick Fisher in game three of the 2010 NBA Finals when he scored 11 in the fourth. Or is it more of stupid luck, much like Ron Artest draining a “You got to be shitting me” three in the final minute of game seven of the same series and then thanking his psychiatrist afterward. I think I’m going to go with the Ron Ron analogy.

(Wait, Ferris wheel? And lights that magically shatter whenever someone is making a key point? Where the fuck are they?)

“If you’re kind to everyone, that means there’s no one special.”

So this explains why Lelouch was such an asshole to everyone except Suzaku, why Rolo was such an asshole to everyone except Lelouch, and why Naoi was such an asshole to everyone except Ararararagi. So… the lesson is… be kind to everyone, because if you’re just an asshole, the moment you show any kindness, we’ll take it that you’re gay.

I like the story going (kinda) full circle and making a nod to the scene in the first episode. Though… what’s with the desk arrangement? Shaft being slowpoke Shaft.

(Shaft being slowpoke Shaft is much better than bad FIFA refs being bad FIFA refs. At least it won’t spark national wars… and, yes, I’m predicting that World War III would be caused by a bad FIFA call.)

“Well, think, dumb ass human. Are any of the girls you know what you’d call ‘completely obedient’? Is there anyone who’ll do anything that you say, without argument?”

I’d say… Nadeko. And Senjougahara probably would to. She might complain, but she’ll go along with Araragi. And, really, Hanekawa might too… should would at least consider the threesome idea if Araragi proposed it to her. These girls actually like Koyomi. It’s not like the California senate and Ah-nold.

“There is a way to stop me without relying on a vampire.”

Now, think, Araragi, why would she tell you this. Why would anyone agree to being defeated? Think, Araragi, think! For Okanade-chan’s sake, think!!!

“D-Wade and LeBron want to play together, but neither one wants to commit to each other.” Sounds like neither really want to play with Bosh… which means that… which one of them would be Senjougahara, which one would be Hanekawa? Because LeBron has to be Araragi in this scenario.

(I like how this NBA off-season is turning into high school love… LeBron wants to ask Wade out, Wade wants to ask LeBron out, but neither can do it. Meanwhile, Bosh doesn’t care who asks him out, as long as he gets asked out.)

Love that smile.

(No joke about Hanekawa smashing her melonpan against Araragi’s back? You’re slipping, Shaft.)

Nice take down. Unfortunately, the FIFA ref watching the episode with me says no foul. That’s not worthy of a red card. Maybe you should have flopped a bit more, Araragi.

(I like the concept of red and yellow cards. I think the NBA should do this, replacing personal fouls with yellows and technicals with red. How awesome would it be to see a ref with a red card standing next to Ron Artest?)

(I’m around the 2,500 word mark now. If you need to take a bathroom break or get a drink of water, this is a great time for it.)

I think it’s Shinbo’s manifest destiny to direct H, just like how it’s Jun Maeda’s manifest destiny to script the next Gundam series or America’s destiny to span from the Atlantic to the Pacific. Happy Birthday, America. I hope for your next birthday, we can scrounge up enough loose change under the sofa cushions to buy you a real national soccer program.

“I don’t need to be here if the source of her stress– you– is gone.”

Wait, which one is the vampire again? Why is he bleeding where she licks him? And would that mean that oral sex would be absolutely horrifying and intriguing with El Gato Negro Hanekawa? Damn, I really, really need to stop thinking out loud.

(If Araragi dies, it means that Senjougahara would hunt, skin, and eat Hanekawa… she said so already to her friend Kanbaru. If Hanekawa manages to defeat Senjougahara in mortal kombat, then her cat side would probably have won… people who are easily stressed are easily stressed. It’s just the way things are. Something else would come along, and, blammo, we’re staring at poorly buttoned, epic cat-print pajamas again.)

Somehow, I don’t think they’ll be showing this one on Cartoon Network. Sci-Fi Channel… maybe. But Araragi is that ripped? He could be the Ray-J to her Kim Kardashian.

(I refuse to call it by its nonsensical name. Lawyers ruin everything.)

Paint it red! They recycled this shot from Maria+Holic… Shaft anime that needs sequels: Pani Poni Dash, Bakemongatari, Maria+Holic… Shaft anime that don’t need sequels but got them anyway: Araragi Under the Bridge, Hidamari Sketch, Vuvuzela: The Anime.

(Araragi Under the Bridge getting a sequel is like Amir Johnson getting a $30 million contract from Toronto. 4 points and 3 ballboards a game? That’s worth $30 million. I’m not saying Araragi Under the Bridge is bad, just you’re not going to win championships if you’re paying that kind of money for a niche roleplayer. Pay the stars, get roleplayers for cheap. And the big stars? Kizumonogatari and Nisemonogatari.)

Whatever you do, Araragi, don’t ask BP to help you stop up those mortal blood wounds.

“You should be happy. You get to ride Mistress’ naughty body straight to heaven.”

Wrong type of “ride.” You’re ripping of Basic Instinct and doing a terrible job at it, Nishioishin.

Araragi just realized that his death would cause a war between Hitagi and Tsubasa that not even Jimmy Carter could stop. On the bright side, would you watch a second season of Bakemonogatari as Senjougahara and Hanekawa settled in for a long winter of trench warfare against each other?

*Raises hand*

“People just accept help selfishly, for their own sake.”

I’m as impressed with Araragi as I am with the Netherlands Vuvuzela World Cup babes. He took a serious beating, and he can still only think of his beloved. He also could have resolved this by giving in and enjoying a Hanekawa feast, and he passed on it. A good man. Even if he’s spilling more liquids right now than the Deepwater Horizon drill site.

(With that… we know the end. He’ll get bailed out by a haremette faster than George W Bush bailed out AIG.)

“How many people do you think would come to help you?”

Dollars! They’d come and help! If only Araragi could get a text out. Meanwhile, wasn’t Sengoku in her epic pajamas… and now she’s, in the middle of the night, at Okanade-chan knows where? What the heck? It’s like really, really late, and she’s wandering along the industrial district?

I wish I were watching a BD version of this right now.

“Save me… Shinobu!”

Shaft has a lot of zoom-ins of lips this episode. Anyway… he screams for Shinobu, his real first love, at the end. Aw, how sweet.

And… Shinobu rises out of the shadows, on cue. Come on. You knew this was coming. There’s no way we’d have a threesome ending… not even Chasing Amy had it. It was only proposed byHolden, and then swiftly approved by Banky… and shot down by Amy herself.

(One thing I never got about that ending… Amy said that she would be afraid that Holden would get jealous if Banky made her moan differently as a reason why she didn’t want to go through with the threesome. Um, Banky didn’t want to make her moan. He’s the Rolo to Holden’s Lulu. That’s a major plot hole, Kevin Smith.)

Shinobu would be another candidate for BlazBlue… she could turn back into Heart-over-blade as her unlimited mode.

Awesome sequence, and it puts the similar one in Ookami-san to shame. There’s no speed lines here, and Shaft is able to properly convey the aspects of speed, speed, awesomeness, and more speed. This is what separates good animation from mediocre animation. How Shaft approached Shinobu’s acrobats = good. How JC Staff approached Haibara’s = lazy.

(No panties = director with balls. My theory about how it’s Shinbo Akiyuki’s manifest destiny to direct hentai? I think I’m on the money. How else can you explain Shinobu’s lack of clean underwear and the oiling scene in Vampire Bund?)

I’m just staring at all these lights thinking, “This is an awful waste of electricity.”

The Allies have landed at Omaha Beach! The Allies have landed at Omaha Beach!!!

OM NOM NOM NOM!

Wow, so El Gato Negro Hanekawa actually did plan her own demise. How did she know that Shinobu would be hiding in Araragi’s shadow and not be camping out at the local Krispy Kreme? It just shows that you cannot trust women. Even if that dress makes her look like Kate Gosslin, you cannot, absolutely cannot, say it.

Having a blonde loli vampire living in your shadow must be as nice as having a FIFA ref in your pocket. This means that she’s been hiding there since before Senjougahara’s and Koyomi’s day-to.

(Episode twelve would have been the perfect ending to this series. The last three episodes, while appreciated, were just spaced too far apart to give the conclusion a proper impact. I would have been fine if Shaft decided to end with twelve but package the final three as a movie or OVA disk instead of leaking them out, 1990 camcorder-quality, over nine months. Hell, we’re at the epic Nanami arc in Katanagatari already!)

“Don’t say lonely things like ‘I care about our debt to you more than our friendship. Be nice, Araragi.”

Love how Hanekawa is muttering stuff about Araragi in her sleep… if she’s dreaming and interacting with you, it’s probably a good sign she likes you.

“Nii-san… it’s just… just… too big!”

Now with Meme gone, does it mean Shinobu will be forever a resident of his shadow? Too bad Araragi didn’t realize this sooner– Meme already said told him, goodbye, and thanks for all the fish.

(Wait, what happened to all the desks and chairs that were once in this building? Did Meme pawn them? Sell them for scrap? Take them? I want to know! Make this a DVD extra: Meme selling slightly used office equipment on eBay.)

First Modern Law of Anime basically relates the desk position of the main character with respect to the window on the left side of the room, after all, no anime classroom has windows on the right side. A corollary states that the romantic interest, if he/she is in the same class, would have a desk next to the main character. For this setup… still kinda applies as Araragi wasn’t the focus of this arc, and he isn’t Hanekawa’s lover. Maybe that should have given it away. He desk wasn’t next to Hanekawa’s.

There hasn’t been any other character shown in this anime other than the main characters. No background characters ever appeared. Other humans, from time to time, would be shown as graphics or be alluded to, but not shown. The closest thing to a non-plot character would be his sisters, and they are next up to bat in the line-up.

“Okaeri nasai.”

“Tada ima.”

R: ‘Kimi no Shiranai Monogatari’ would have been way more appropriate than ‘Staple Stable’.

All the “romantic” scenes between Senjougahara and Araragi feature the muzak version of Staple Stable in the background. Like how it’s playing here. And how I wanted it to play in the background with Azu-nyan and Yui under the stars.

“You get to plan our next day-to. If you bring me somewhere weird, I’ll flay you.”

No pressure Araragi! No pressure at all. I’m sure he’s not thinking, “Damn, maybe I should have gone with Hanekawa…”

(More zoom-ins of lips!)

(This episode was done fully in cinematic ratio much like episode twelve. 16:9 is already obsolete!)

“This time, I’ll show you my treasure.”

I just hope Senjougahara won’t cut it in half.

Why did they bring Kanbaru along? Ultimate tag along, much like Adam Morrison and the 2010 Lakers. She had one line in the whole episode.

There’s a mathematical puzzle here. I just know it. If you I told you that have I have two children, one of whom is a boy, what are the odds that my other child is also a boy? A boy who likes to dress up like a girl in order to spend more time with the older sister of one of his classmates?

This ending… not as awesome as I wanted, but I’ll take it, even if it’s nine months late. Worst part about this ending? The lack of a season two announcement. Still puzzled how Araragi Under the Bridge got the green light before this show. Inexplicable. Gee, Bakemonogatari is dominating BD and DVD sales… hey, let’s work on that other series that isn’t making as much money instead! Let’s not strike while the iron is hot! It worked so well for the Haruhi Suzumiya franchise!

(This is why anime is dying. Poor decisions. I would have green lighted season two of Bakemonogatari, reign in Shaft being Shaft moments, put some underwear on Shinobu, and try hard to get this show on Sci-Fi Channel, even if it means partially cutting nakkidness. That’s the savvy plan to make more money.)

“I may meet more oddities in the future, but that’s okay.”

I hope you do!

I like the cat ears on Tsubasa and the Dance in the Vampire Bund reject outfit for Koyomi. And, yes, that would be the greatest haunted bath ever. Why isn’t this an OVA?

(Right facing swastika as a religious symbol… the other swastika faces the opposite way.)

At one point, that said “2009”… just glad it’s not saying “2011.” Shaft being slowpoke Shaft. I’m just glad Bakemonogatari epiosdes came around slightly faster than Vuvuzela World Cups.

… and cue Kimi no Shiranai Monogatari for the last time. Great series. Great times. Great fun. Adieu l’ami to Best of 2009… #1… finally.