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Aug 19 2006

Categories: anime, episodic review, zero no tsukaima
Tagged: zero no tsukaima

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It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels named Jessica –
Clasp a rare and radiant maiden, whom the angels named Jessica?
Quoth the Fanboy, “ありますか?”

After securing the Staff of Destruction, Henrietta gives praise and awards for Saito and Pink Haired Zero Magic Mage. The most curious part is that no one else is around as she knights Louise. Henrietta also offers Saito a chance for a gohobi, and, with Louise’s encouragement, he takes it… only using the wrong body part. Score one Saito x Henrietta kis-su. Saito enjoys it for a second before Louise starts inflicting the pain. I was hoping that the anime would start resembling more of a trashy novel, and, instead, I get a trashy harem comedy. W00t!

Henrietta also wants Saito and Louise to investigate the town for cases of abuse by the nobels on the citizens, and for some odd reason, Louise decides that she needs a disguise, so she dresses up like a French mime. Meanwhile, Saito is still wearing his typical outfit that I swore I saw on sale at Sportsmart the other day for $19.99. Henrietta also put the two on a budget, which Louise quickly blows. The two are now stuck in town with no food or shelter… until they’re approached by a gay French innkeeper (he may not be gay, but I’d rather not risk that) wearing a women’s jogging bra (on sale now at Sportsmart for $9.99!) who offers them a job.

What’s the job? Basically, he wants Louise to join his staple of medival meido waitresses. I fully approve. And oh my stars and garters… there’s a lot of stars and garters. Hottie central. In fact, better “talent” than the mage academy. Apparently, this bar is somewhere between any modern meido cafe and soapland in terms of seediness… and all the customers are male… I feel like I need to grab a stack of dollar bills and head for the Champagne Room all of a sudden. This tavern makes Hooters seem like Sunday Church. The only two men working there are the gay French boss and Saito, who immediately starts flirting with Jessica, the tavern wench who is also the boss’ daughter, much to Louise’s dismay.

All the waitresses are currently competing for tips to win both $ as well as the chance to wear the Enchanting Fairy outfit, which looks more like something on sale at Victoria Secret’s for $49.99. Nonetheless, Louise completely bombs at the job. She doesn’t have the assests to keep up with the other girls in the melonpan race, and she has way too much pride for working as a walking peep show for slobbish males. So much so that the boss even pulls her aside and tells her, “Just watch what the other girls are doing.” Louise hates the job, the accomendations (basically, this place will probably make 6 o’clock news for “police busts prositution ring” before it makes Zagat’s), and how Saito has adapted so quickly to the surroundings. He is a commoner, after all. Anyway, after their first day of work, there’s a really cute scene where Louise is afraid to sleep on her bed so he crawls onto the floor to snuggle up with Saito. Only he’s snoring away. Classic.

(Disappointingly, they don’t show what happens when they wake up. Did Saito move around in his sleep and inappropriately touch Louise thus leading to a whipping? I feel we need to know these things.)

The next day, the Pink Haired Zero Cup Mage is still kept on the sidelines as all the girls who great tips, and Jessica works on Saito. Louise start’s developing Black Tamama tendencies. In fact, she’s even starting to sound like him, scary enough. “Mune ka? Yappa aitzu mune ka?!” She loses it after seeing Jessica’s pantheon quality melonpan and zonks Saito out with a flying beer bottle. (I noticed that Jessica’s melonpan is animated very similarly to Yoshida’s… in fact, so much so that I expect Shana-tan to be riding her dog out in the back during the sequence.)

Saito finds himself waking up in (I suppose) Jessica’s room with Jessica on top of him. Awesome. That’s a healthy breakfast. She sees through Louise’s and Saito’s situation and surmises that they aren’t who they say they are. She guesses that Louise is a Nobel, and Saito is her servant. Saito tries to deny this, only it makes him look even more suspicious/mysterious, which arouses Jessica to the point that she’s willing to trade secrets for secrets. I love the slow, seductuous “a… ge… ru… <3” Saito, of course, is too busy feeling up and staring at Jessica’s rack.

Right when things start to get good, Louise barges in and starts screaming. Party pooper. She then kicks Saito in the crotch like Adam Vinatieri going for a 49 yard field goal. Well, that’s a form of birth control, I think.

Afterwards, the local tax collector shows up and basically starts acting like a big shot asshole at the inn, causing much dismay amongst the waitresses and other patrons. Unwittingly, Louise, of all people, goes to serve him… and he unwittingly wonders if the bar has started hiring boys. O-U-C-H! She pwns him thus starting an almost riot, only Saito steps in and tries to protect her… only he forgot to bring his sword. Awesome swordsman. Can you imagine an episode of Kenshin where Kenshin forgets his sword? Anyway, Louise saves the day by nuking everyone then proclaming that she’s the top Nobel around. The tax collector almost pisses in his pants after seeing the full power of the Wrathful Loli and leaves her a ginormous tip. Louise wins the tip contest. And Saito and us get to see Enchanting Fairy Louise. Good times… good times.

Zero no Tsukaima Character Power Rankings™

Let’s go to the ツンデレ scorecard for Louise’s four touchdown, 400 yard passing performance:

ツンツン: Punishing all the bar patrons for flirting with her. Going ape crazy over her small breasts… even Mahoro didn’t go this emo over hers. Smacking down Saito after he kisses Henrietta. Knocking Saito out with a beer bottle. Interrupting Saito and Jessica’s fun. Kicking Saito’s crotch. Sulking in her French mime outfit. Baka inu.

デレデレ: Wearing the Enchanting Fairy outfit. Snuggling up with Saito.

Can’t Tell: Everytime she steps on Saito’s head. Heaven and hell.

(Louise needs a better putdown/pet name for Saito than “baka inu.” Everytime I hear it, I get visions of Natsumi berating Keroro with “bokearu!”)

Jessica just rushed for two touchdowns and 150 yards on 27 carries. And she just saved Zero no Tsukaima‘s season. My gawd, she’s hawter than all the waitresses… she’s wasted washing dishes. You can probably make a case that her father keeps her in the back as a protectionist act, but looking at the way she propositioned Saito, doesn’t look like that protectionism is working that well.

Also, Jessica isn’t in the OP. Maybe they’re changing OPs? Or maybe they didn’t originally plan to include her? The OP looks so dated, and it’s only the seventh episode. Can we start Shaft working on a remake of Louise?! already?

Finally, as for a purely moe harem standpoint, would you rather have Karura, Touka, Eruru, Oboro, Aruru, and Kamyu or Jessica, Siesta, Louise, Henrietta, Kirshe, and Tabitha? Or maybe Shion, Mion, Rena, Rika, Takano, and Satoko? Then there’s Haruhi, Mikuru, Yuki, LOL FANG-TAN, Ryoko, and Itsuki. There’s been a lot of good harems lately.

How about for a purely battle standpoint? Think Touka can out slice Unlimited KFC Works Rena? Think Shion can taser Kirche? Think Tabitha can speedread faster than Yuki?

(The big difference between standard medival fare like Wheel of Time and Zero and Tsukaima is their quality on tavern wenches. Not even comparable. Okay, that’s not the only difference, but it’s a very important one.)

For a brief moment, it looked like he out-pimped Tamaki when he kissed Henrietta. He was smooth. Overall, did a much better job this episode of convincing me that he has two balls (even if Louise breaks them), with only two minor breakdowns: the typical harem male breakdown when an uber-hawt chix0r is trying to seduce him and his “Only I can touch Louise’s!” line. Fortunately, everyone was too confused by the innuendo of that line to realize that he didn’t have a sword.

(And his final “tres bien!” was just confusing. Louise should have kicked his crotch again. Seeing anyone, even if they’re as flat as Louise, in tha Enchanting Fairy outfit deserves a better compliment than that. I personally would have gone with, “Ponytails turn me on.”)

Threeway Expressway, here we come!

“Hey, I have this great idea for an episode that could make Cowboy Bebop 5 and Haruhi Suzumiya 12 look like C-R-A-P! Let’s give Saito and Louise some lame excuse to live like commoners, only they run out of money, and Louise has to work at some seedy bar where she gets constantly groped!”

“I love it already!”

“Better yet, let’s have all the other scantily clad lasses at the bar do nothing but hit on Saito! This can’t miss!”

“OMFG! Best. Idea. Ever.”

“And to really take it to the next level, let’s introduce a half-nakkid guy covered in body hair who wears women’s jogging appeal for the gay French angle!”

I can imagine that conversation going on in JC Staff’s office a few months ago. In other words, great ideas have a beginning and an end.

(I’m not wasting a prime HD screencap spot for him. Sorry. Instead, I present Louise getting eyed down as if she were a God Knows Haruhi Suzumiya resin doll in a Akihabara storefront.

For not getting any screentime. Unforgivable. But meido waitresses and Jessica take the pain away.

The more Zero no Tsukaima turns into one big soap opera for Saito, the happier I am. While I’m sure that there’s some interesting plot points to be unearthed, the series works best when it’s in its trashy harem mode. There’s nothing wrong with this. Just don’t expect deep social commentaries like from Kino’s Travels. Still, hopefully we get to see more of Jessica before the end.

(Misc notes: trying new image clean-up method for the HD screenshots. Hopefully looks better than previous posts’.)