blog好き shut up and jam gaiden 2017

… or presenting my resume to be the new GM of the New York Knicks.

Okay, this post on Kokatu got me worked up because there’s only one anime super basketball team, and that’s the School Rumble teams that combined for almost 300 points. Playing high school quarters. With no one over six feet tall. Team School Rumble has yet to be surpassed.

I’m going to make my anime basketball all-star team 2017 (ABAS2017) team with three rules. One, the character debuted in anime form in the last five years so we can restrict the team to a post-School Rumble, post-Kanbaru era. Two, the characters cannot use any super natural powers if they have them. Three, one character per franchise.


Inaho Kaizuka, Aldnoah.Zero S1 (2014)
Point Guard

I’m pretty sure Inaho and Evil Genius’ Dota 2 team could beat the 2017 Golden State Warriors. Inaho is the best tactician the anime world has ever seen. He is the only anime protagonist who was so powerful that the writing staff had to be changed in order to nerf him. Ironically, they made anime Point God less Godlike by giving him a God Eye in S2, hence why we are taking the superior and supernatural-less S1 Inaho. This version also doesn’t recite “Slaine Troyard” every three hours.

Does his ability to thoroughly dismantle overpowered mecha translate to basketball? Yes, yes it does. If he can defeat mecha that can manipulate gravity with just duct tape, a princess of Mars, and a grenade launcher, imagine what he can do with an anime all-star team. Also, he is one of the few anime characters who can improve Team School Rumble– imagine Inaho point godding for Kenji, Mikoto, Akira, and Eri– it would be a murderer’s row even more power overwhelming than the original 1992 US men’s Olympic Dream Team.


Kureha Tsubaki, Yuri Kuma Arashi (2015)
Shooting Guard

Since we have Inaho handling the ball and making plays, we need a shooter who can shoot the damn ball and can play off the ball. Is there a better pure shooter than Kureha? She is very good at shooting four-lettered objects that start with the letter “B”. She is our clutch shooter who can score from anywhere. From half-court? At the knee? In the paint? Half-asleep? In the bath tub? Bear hounding her on defense? Doesn’t matter. Buckets. Gao gao, Ms. Marksman.

Kureha also has a dogged vicious side– she never backs down on the ball– which is why I picked her over other anime snipers such as Coffin Princess‘ Chaika. Kureha also absolutely ruins opposing guards when she is playing defense: good luck getting any penetration on her watch. She and Inaho make for a powerful and dynamic backcourt, but they lack a bit of size, which we’ll address in the front court. Her scoring versatility gives plenty of flexibility for Inaho to draw up plays and also provide emergency last second shot clock shots in case a play fails.


Sakamoto, Sakamoto desu ka? (2016)
Small Forward

In terms of pure physical ability, Sakamoto is anime’s current generational talent. He is the LeBron, Jordan, Bird, and Wilt level of defining talent all merged into one high school anime boy. Not only can he do anything, he can do anything stylishly. I imagine a lot of beautiful plays from Inaho and Sakamoto. The opposing team would be too dazzled to guard Sakamoto, assuming that he’s guardable in the first place. Sakamoto is also the only anime small forward I would start over LeBron. He’s that special. He may literally uplift basketball into a new plane of existence.

He also has a tremendous wingspan to go along with his high life IQ, so he can not only play all five positions, but he can also guard all five. He is the modern prototypical wing for ABAS2017.


Wakatoshi Ushijima, Haikyuu (2014)
Power Forward

By far the most imposing anime high school athlete in recent memory at 6’3″ and two hundred pounds of ball-bashing, ball-pounding, ball-punishing muscle. He has power, quickness, coordination, and excellent jumping ability. Why is he on the volleyball team instead of the basketball team? My only explanation is that the basketball team got so embarrassed by School Rumble‘s team that they had to disband much like the rugby team in Fumoffu before Ushijima got to the school. At worst, Ushijima is the anime high school version of Andre Drummond. At best, he becomes the anime high school Hakeem Olajuwon. Except Ushijima can make free throws.

Imagine Inaho running a fast break with Sakamoto and Ushijima on the wings. That’s more terrifying than seeing the registration line at Anime Expo.


Takeo Gouda, Ore Monogatari (2015)

I wavered a bit on whom to draft from Ore Monogatari. Rinko is a dead-eye at shooting hearts, but recent anime has lacked traditionally skilled big men. Takeo gets the call. You thought Ushijima is large for an anime high school student? Let me introduce you to the sixth standard deviation of Takeo Gouda. He’s 6’7″ and 260 pounds of Rinko-loving man-beast. He’s not only large and powerful but fast and agile as well. He is Vintage Shaq, only better because he’s fueled by Rinko’s love and cookies. Plus, he can make free throws. Seriously, I think ABAS2017 has a 105% free throw shooting percentage.

He has a soft side and soft step, so I imagine he will be a fantastic post player who can also slip out for quick 15 feet jumpers. The front court of Ushijima and Takeo will be a nightmare to score against. I’m not even sure if 00 Gundam, Gurren Lagann, and Colossal Titan will be scoring points against this front court. They will also be rebounding machines, as shown by Takeo’s numerous rebounds from before meeting Rinko.


Aoi Miyamori, Shirobako (2015)

If Kureha is recent anime’s best shooter, I decided to draft recent anime’s best driver to be the sixth man off of the bench. Aoi is a great change of pace from Kureha as she is 2015 anime’s premier driver. If there is anything she excels it, it is delivering the ball through traffic. She can penetrate and deliver the goods without spilling any tofu water.

Plus, she is an excellent facilitator. If she can squeeze productivity from sad sack Taro and also keep Musashino on track, she is qualified to take over point guard duties whenever Inaho needs a break.


Victor Nikiforov, Yuri on Ice (2016)

Basically an older and wiser version of Sakamoto. Extremely stylish, graceful, and versatile. He trades some of Sakamoto’s physical prowess for better playmaking abilities and can play point forward to give the second unit a leader if Inaho or Aoi aren’t on the court. He is also a streaky scorer who does best in two minute and thirty second intervals with music playing over the PA. Moreso, his versatility allows a very potent small ball lineup of Inaho, Kureha/Aoi, Sakamoto, Victor, and Takeo. What team has a power forward capable of guarding Victor’s crushing spin moves and can get out fast enough to contest Victor’s lightning quick release?


Isuzu Sento, Amagi Brilliant Park (2015)

I imagine Sento in various scenarios, including one where she is the evolutionary anime high school girl version of Adrian Dantley (or Draymond in 2017 terms). She isn’t as physically gigantic as Ushijima and Takeo, but she is strong, powerful, swift, and possesses a long wingspan. She is also a volume shooter who can score efficiently in a multitude of ways. She can iso, play back to the basket, hit threes, and even pull out midrange jumpers. She can also play tenacious defense. She heats up very quickly– generally a hot bath will do– which is critical for a bench player. Her main weakness is that she is a terrible floor general, but thankfully we have Inaho and Aoi to cover that weakness. She provides solid backup minutes and fits into a variety of play styles.

4 Responses to “blog好き shut up and jam gaiden 2017”

  1. Brilliant, especially the starting 5. Bravo.

  2. i’ve been reading your blogs for few years and this is first time im posting, great imagination and link-ups man, inaho as point guard was spot-on and OP haha
    really great post that entertained me, keep it up

  3. Love it! But who’s the coach and who’s the all-important japanese high school team ‘manager’?

  4. Manager would be A Silent Voice’s Shouko Nishimiya.

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